“Do a blog,” they said.  “It’ll be easy,” they said.  “Sell some books and get in touch with the people who seem to enjoy whatever tiny, twisted talent you have tapped into on Bring a Trailer.

You keep hearing the same thing over and over and after a while you think to yourself, ‘Sure.  Why not?’

So I did a little research.  “Free blog.  You can be posting in 5 minutes.”  Now granted, I’m not the most technological guy in Fort Stockton, but I know my way around a Mac and can answer my phone without hangin up on people, so I figure I’m ahead of the curve.   “Yeah,” I thought.  “This’ll be easy.”

Well, it wasn’t five minutes.  And it wasn’t free.

But six weeks later, I finally said, “I’ve done all I can do.  Don’t know if it’ll work or not, but I’m hitting the button and going live with this experiment.”  Kind of a ‘Damn the Torpedos’ moment.  Hoped a few folks would buy me a cuppa coffee or want a mug, just to recoup some of the “free” cost.  If the blog became a moderate success, figured there’d be enough left over to get Gullwing’s prescription refilled.  He’s developed a nasty oral infection as result of licking his own testicles, resulting in countless trips to the vet – and breath that would knock a buzzard off a $hit wagon.

I wrote a post on the Bellcord 2019 page on BaT, so as not to highjack anyone’s auction, and hoped for the best.  When I hit SUBMIT, nothing happened.  Figured it was a sign.  Waited.  Still nothing.  Decided the alligators in the moat surrounding Hearst Castle grabbed the post, thinking it was just red meat, and it would never make it to the other side.  “Oh well,” I thought.  “We’ll figure out another way to get the word out.”  I grabbed Buttercup and got in the Edsel Bermuda so we could go grab a burger basket at The Dairy Twin.

“So you really think there’s a market out there for those stories you write?”  Buttercup asked while we waited for the burgers.  “Transplanted foreskin eyelids and hairy schnauzer references are what’s going to make the world safe for democracy?  Not exactly the high brow literature you used to teach your students.”

“You’re taking both those examples completely out of context,” I replied defensively.  “Within the plot development of the stories, each of those were key features that advanced the conflict and developed the characters, all leading to a satisfying climax at the end.”

“What would you know about a satisfying climax at the end?” she asked.  “And what does any of that have to do with cars?  I thought the whole premise was about cars?”

Accepting the challenge, I was just about to launch into what men find humorous and how it can all be related through characters right here in Fort Stockton, which can all be traced to the vehicles they’ve owned because Every Car Is A Story.  That’s when my phone started going off.  Repeatedly.  Over and over again (which I guess is the same thing as repeatedly).  Each alert was someone commenting on the blog, either on Bring a Trailer or on the blog, itself.  Apparently the alligators in the moat coughed up the comment and it got posted.  People were responding to it.  Even finding the blog.

“Good Lord, they’re buying coffees on the blog,” I said.  “Some are buying Captain My Captain mugs!”

“What mugs?”  Buttercup had a look of shock on her face.  “What are you talking about?  Is that what all those boxes are in the garage?  What have you done?”

“Don’t worry so much about that,” I assured her.  “It’ll be fine.  I bet in a month, you’ll be letting Gullwing lick your face again.”

So we’re off to one heck of a start.  Hit the SUBSCRIBE button and you’ll get notified every time there’s a new CMC post.  Doesn’t cost you a thing.  There’s a new post every day except Sunday, because I promised Pastor Peterson that day would remain sacred.  (He asked me if I thought that would make up for the foreskin eyelids and hairy schnauzer references, but that was an ecclesiastical debate I just didn’t want to have at that moment.)

Some of the posts are ones you might recognize, but illustrated.  Some are favorite Bring a Trailer posts that have been expanded and proofread more extensively.  Some of them are brand new, just for the blog, and longer or more “nuanced” than anything I’d post on BAT.  If you enjoy them (or even if you don’t) feel free to post a comment or hit the LIKE button.  

(I got an email from someone that said something along the lines of, ‘You idiot.  Why are you taking up valuable internet space with this crap?  Who the hell do you think you are?’  Turns out it was just HairlessB29 pulling my chain using a fake email address, the cheeky bastard.)

Some things the crack Captain’s Staff is looking at in the future:

• Our Lady of Immeasurable Concern Athletic Dept. T-Shirts.  (Sure to become collector’s items.)
• Ask Lucinda advice column for those seeking guidance on how they can improve their love life and car mileage at the same time.
• Guest Commentator Page where you can spout off without actually having to spend six weeks and hundreds of dollars on a blog of you own.
• Promoting Tourism in Fort Stockton by offering ‘Cruise with the Captain’ packages on Lake Leon using Rex Hall’s pontoon boat, followed by dinner at the Silver Slipper Super Club where stories posted on the blog will be acted by the Drama Club at Jim Bowie High School out using finger puppets made from old auto parts.

If any of these work out, we’ll look at the next steps, which right now include setting up an official Board of Directors who will meet monthly at the Fort Stockton Hospice Care and Pool Hall, and adding a wedding venue to Earl’s Salvage Yard and Formalwear.  So many possibilities.

Until then, I’ll see you at the Grounds for Divorce for a Folgers and a daily edition of the Stockton Telegram-Dispatch.  Nothing better to start your day than a hot coffee and an STD.  

Right now, I need to figure out how to box up some mugs and get them delivered.  Big day ahead.