Back in ’77 Studer Tuglow special ordered one just like this from Pecos GMC / International Harvester for his business. He owned the Sunset Acres Retirement Home here in Fort Stockton and figured it would be one more amenity he could offer residents. If memory serves, his was yellow and purple also – always made the old folks smile as they’d board, teeth or no teeth.

Of course friskiness has no age limit. On the second or third outing, he took a group to see the Cadillac Ranch just outside Amarillo when Mr. Hooper and the Widow Fieldstone snuck back to the harvest gold lavatory in what they hoped would be a quick opportunity of mortar and pestle, since the chance hadn’t presented itself back at the home.

“I’ve got to warn you,” Mrs. Fieldstone whispered loudly in is his ear, as they began the delicate dance, “I’ve got acute angina.”

Glancing down, Mr. Hooper replied, “Well, it’s a good thing ‘cause your bosom is nothing to write home about.”

Meanwhile, as Studer pulled the 26’ motorhome into The Big Tex Steakhouse for lunch, Mrs. Hackney told Elmer Mason that she could guess his age if he just stood up and dropped his pants. Intrigued but disbelieving, Elmer slid out of the booth and stood in the middle of the kitchenette, in between the Magic Chef oven and the Dometic fridge and dropped his khakis to the floor. “Boxers too,” she said. He begrudgingly complied. “Ninety-three,” she told him with absolute confidence.

“How’d you know?” he pleaded, pulling his britches back up.

“You told me at breakfast,” she grinned.

After that experience Studer decided to provide some entertainment on the road trips. He hired Chad from the Piggly Wiggly to ride along and perform his magic act. (Chad went under the stage name ‘The Great Foodinni’ and was well known as far away as Odessa.) Anyway, he was well into his routine as the Jimmy was pulling into Junction on the way Austin to watch the bats fly out from under the Congress Street Bridge when some kid driving a Levi Gremlin swerved in front of the Jimmy while trying to change the station on his Kraco stereo. It was the part of the act where Chad slowly waved a shiny gold pocket watch back and forth, hypnotizing the audience. In order to avoid the errant AMC, a startled Studer steered a hard right while yelling, “CRAAAAAP?”

It took Chad and Studer over three hours to clean up the RV as well as its passengers. The smell lasted longer than the memory of the trip for a lot of the seniors on board.

Nonetheless, the residents were grateful for every trip they took. They’d take turns bringing Studer handfuls of almonds to enjoy while he drove them all over west Texas. It was when they were just outside Crane that he finally asked Miss Elmwood why they didn’t eat any of the snacks themselves. “Oh that would be impossible with our dentures,” she explained, “We just like the chocolate covering.”

Studer sold Sunset Acres to a corporate consortium out of Crawford a few years back, but as part of the deal got to keep the yellow and purple pleasure palace for his own retirement. Hadn’t thought about ol’ Studer in quite a while. I asked Lucinda over at The Grounds for Divorce if she’d heard anything from him lately.

“He’s like a fish out of water now,” she told me.

“You mean he can’t adjust to retirement?” I asked her.

“No,” she replied. “He’s dead.”

Youth is wasted on the young.