This one makes me pretty emotional, I’m not gonna lie. My grandpa ordered one of these from Grandeur Motor Car Corporation in ‘82 and took ownership of it just before he shuffled off this mortal coil. There were less than 100 miles on the odometer of the Opera Sedan.

The Caddy was in the parking lot of the Fort Stockton Hospice Care and Billiard Hall the last time I went to see him, shining like a diamond in a hog’s arse out front, Grandpa having had Manny from Manny’s Motor Mart just give it a fresh coat of Simonize that morning. The front desk told me it would probably be the last time I’d be able to visit with him, so I was prepared. “Do you want to reserve a table for later,” Tish asked. I told her I might be too emotional for any 8-Ball, but thanked her, nonetheless.

When I reached his room, it smelled of Pine-Sol and cue stick chalk and was so dark I could barely see him. I tiptoed over to the window and opened the blinds. He barely opened his eyes, but when he gazed out the window and saw the shiny Seville in all its grandeur right outside, his cracked lips broke into a weak smile. He motioned me over to the bed, reaching out his frail hand to hold mine with what little strength he had left. He started to speak, but his voice was no more than a whisper.

I bent down, my ear right next to his lips. “Cappy,” he struggled to say. The words came slowly. I waited while he gathered strength to speak. As I gazed out the window, I knew my hopes for his recovery were as false as the dual faux spare tire holders on each front fender of the Grandeur Opera Sedan, but these final moments were as precious as the gold badging all over the car.

“Cappy,” he started again, the glare from the excessive brightwork on the bastardized Cadillac streaming in through the window, making it difficult for him to see, “if her bra and panties match when you take her clothes off,” he struggled, “it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.” And with that, he was gone.

I’ve taken those words he left me to heart the rest of my life. He left my sister the Cadillac. Not sure who got the better deal.