Now this is one you never see in Fort Stockton.  

Well, I take that back.  There used to be a couple of these back in the day that ran the security detail out at The Facility.  Seems like they may have had a Slate Grey version as well.  Pretty sure they never had a red one, but then it’s not like you could just walk into The Facility and check things out like it was a tourist attraction.

I do know they were all driven by a group of Asian guys, something else that you hardly ever see in Fort Stockton.  Not gonna lie, whenever a German car came into town with a bunch of Asian passengers, the boys over at the VFW got a little nervous.  The talk nearly always shifted from dominos and dames to Dubya Dubya Deuce and it wasn’t uncommon for tempers to flare.

Everyone over at the Piggly Wiggly thought it was an odd choice for them to be driving Mercedes Benz 220SEs, anyway.  Even Rex, who normally is open minded about a person’s right to drive whatever they damn well please was a little put off.  “Would it kill them to go  down to Frontier Ford and buy a couple new Ford Galaxies?  They’d get a straight shooting’ deal.  And they wouldn’t have to send off to New York or some other foreign country just to get parts for the damn things.”

Of course, Rex was proven to be correct in ’64 when a pretty serious conflict took place out there.  Seems some guy wound up in Fort Stockton by mistake.  He was looking for Fort Knox and someone over in Junction gave him the wrong directions.  Probably a good thing he didn’t end up in Fort Worth!  Anyway, he’s in town on some kind of business involving exports.  While he’s in town, he checks into the Naughty Pine Motel and stops by over at the Lucky Lady for a drink.  Orders a Dry Martini.  And then says, “Shaken, not stirred.”  

Hank, behind the bar, looks at the guy like he’s an alien from Roswell and hands him a Lone Star Longneck.  “Shake this,” he says.  “But if you want to be stirred, get a load of who just walked in.”  Rusty Hammer’s cousin, Ragina Hammer was in town visiting family and stopped in the bar after meeting up with cousins over at the K-Bob’s for dinner.

Now the Hammer folks come from a long line of sturdy Texas stock, known for their hard work and Christian beliefs, not necessarily their looks. That certainly wasn’t the case in Ragina’s case. That woman was finer than frog hair split with a broad axe. And, thing was, she knew it. She sauntered into the bar like she owned the place, looking for the juiciest steak she could find, even though she’d just been to the K-Bob’s. It didn’t take her long to find the stranger at the bar, what with him looking all suave and debonair. That is not something you see in Fort Stockton every day, that’s for sure.

Well, one thing leads to another, and in no time she’s got him worked up like a ten point buck in the middle of the rut. She’s whispering in his ear. He’s fumbling in his pants pocket for the keys to some expensive foreign car he’s got parked out back. She leaves her brand new Mustang convertible in the parking lot, gets in the car with the guy with the funny accent, and they head back to the Naughty Pine Motel for what each of them think will be a real spine-tingler when they get there.

Problem is, neither of them is actually from Fort Stockton. It’s dark outside. To say they were each distracted would be putting it mildly. Out on Highway 10, instead of taking a right to get to the motel, the guy takes a left, headed towards The Facility by accident. It becomes wooded. And darker. “I love nature,” Ragina says. “Why don’t you find a place to pull over?”

And as he looks for a spot that would be discreet, all of a sudden the aforementioned Mercedes and Asian Security Squad are on the pair like a dozen mad roosters after a couple horny June bugs. Chief Martin was eventually able to get surveillance footage from security cameras located throughout The Facility to piece together what happened next. Of course, those were supposed to remain under seal and not disclosed to the general public, but anyone who wanted to could pretty much stop by the Grounds for Divorce anytime they wanted and he’d let ‘em take a look.

Long story longer, the young couple’s search for a place to consummate their elevated affections opened up a can of worms that took longer to untangle than the hair on Mrs. Hatch’s schnauzer. Based on the footage, it looked like Ragina met her maker, right there in the woods. Turns out she was just playing possum. When the heat was off, she hoofed it back to the Lucky Lady for a couple more drinks and was back at Rusty’s place before breakfast.

The stranger with an accent did quite a bit of damage to that expensive car of his. It took the body shop over at Frontier Ford the better part of a year to put it back together, what with all the specialized parts. They racked up a phone bill that was almost as much as the repairs themselves talking to some guy named “Que” overseas on just how everything fit. It took months just for the replacement passenger seat to come in. They’d found the one in the woods that had flown out the sunroof that night, but could never get the stain out of it.

We all still have a look at the footage every now and again when there’s nothing on Bring a Trailer to look at.  Every time we see it, and it gets to the part where a Mercedes-Benz crashes into a tree or goes up in flames, Rex says, “See?  That never would have happened if they’d gone with Ford Galaxies.”