Aunt Mae got a gold Eldorado brand new from her second husband in ’69. She kept the car longer than she kept him, or husband #3 or #4, for that matter. 

Somewhere after husband Number One became history, but long before husband Number Two fell prey to Mae’s womanly wiles, she had a fling with Hairless B29 that left one of them scarred for life. The Bald Bomber hated the way he loved to look back on those times. From the very first time he saw her riding the gigantic turkey just outside the Hickory Farms Store in the mall outside Barstow, there was an immediate attraction, at least on his part. “That woman would work wonders on a wattle, I’ll tell you that much,” he told Lucinda yesterday when he came in for a cuppa Folgers.

“I just figured he was feeling reflective, what with his birthday coming up next week,” Lucinda told me later that afternoon. “I had no idea how deep those still waters ran.” Of course, that’s back when Hairless was still sporting a coiffeur that separated him from the crowd and a set of teeth that were nearly paid for. The affair lasted less than six months. The counseling that was required afterwards lasted longer than the relationship, itself. It was years before he could handle a drumstick again. The smell of leather makes him break out in a cold sweat. Stuffing, especially the cornbread type, makes him curl up in the fetal position in the corner. Let’s just say Thanksgiving is a tough time of year for the Hairless, even all these years later.

Mae survived the whole tawdry affair unscathed, and in fact, has little recollection of Hairless or the time they spent together. That effect on women seems to be a common thread for him. At some point in the 70s she had ‘some work’ done up front and it looked so good she had similar work done on the Caddy. While the Eldorado’s headlights were hidden away, Aunt Mae’s certainly weren’t. She became a blond, thanks to Trixie over at the Klip-N-Dye, and settled down considerably from her Hickory Farms days atop a gobbler. (Referring to the turkey, not the Bald Bomber.) The new coiffeur that went along with the change in color continues to cause a stir at the Piggly Wiggly. “Big Hair is all fine and dandy,” Mrs. Goodman likes to whisper over on the frozen food aisle, “but that is a gal-darned monstrosity.”

Despite whatever temporary setbacks she may have endured, Mae remains outspoken and to the point. She mailed out a note to the family regarding Thanksgiving celebration requirements last week. It read . . .

“I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in the will is important to you, consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. 2:00!

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and nearly set the house ablaze. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
 
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t show up on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.  Honest to God, I thought you’d a learned after three wives – date them longer and save everyone the agony of another divorce.
 
Those of you who keep asking me who’s going to get the Cadillac when I kick off can work your way up the list if you come early and bring a couple clean towels and a fresh can of paste wax.
 
Here are the House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The TV won’t be on during the meal.

2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. I bought 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before drinking the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. The cups have names on them. I’ll be watching the refills.

3. Lucinda, last year we were at Trixie’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a decent cook and shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Get something from the bakery at the Piggly Wiggly.

4. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. You being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is against everything God intended. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so damn good. Not eating bacon just isn’t natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived 4 husbands.

5. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

6. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

7. Being a mother means actually paying attention to your kids. I have nice things; I’m not putting them away just because company is coming. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

8. Tammy, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. Staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

9. If you want me to take the curtain climbers for a ride around the courthouse square in the Cadillac after the meal to see the Christmas lights, make sure they keep their feet off the upholstery. No food in the car. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.”

Should be a fun holiday here at Aunt Mae’s.  The best part of it is parked out in her garage.

To the rest of you out there in Fort Stockton, and beyond: count your blessings. Don’t believe everything you read or see on TV. Give your family a hug, they’re all that matters in the end. And Happy Birthday next week to you, Hairless, you coffin-dodging oxygen thief. Aunt Mae sends her best. “Not that he ever got a real sample of it,” she added under her breath.