The wind was blowing down Alamo Avenue this morning at what seemed like forty miles an hour, wreaking havoc on the giant tinsel nativity that had been strung up between the stoplights. Volunteers from Second Baptist Church of Fort Stockton worked around the clock dodging traffic to crawl up a ladder and put the baby Jesus back in the manger every time he blew out. It was the only service many provided all year, so they made a big deal of it when they’d come into the Grounds for Divorce to warm up. Turns out saving the savior was harder work than they’d bargained for, and they couldn’t just pingle their way to heaven.

Rusty Hammer, from the hardware store, came in for a quick cup of hot chocolate in between ringing up sales of those last minute shoppers buying deer corn as stocking stuffers. “My wife says the very best sex is vacation sex,” he said as he sat down. “Not exactly the ideal post card to get, let me tell you.”

There was a full crew out in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly waxing the red and white 1955 Oldsmobile Starfire convertible being used for the Christmas Parade this afternoon. Sponsors of the event insisted on Santa sitting atop the back seat of the Olds instead of the traditional entry into town on a sleigh. It seems that last year several small children were traumatized witnessing Slim Slaven using Super Glue and bailing wire to attach ‘antlers’ to a team of old nags, converting them to reindeer before their last ride over to the glue factory.

Ignoring the incident with the antlers, folks knew it was the right call putting Santa in the ’55 Starfire. “This Oldsmobile was made for parades!” Rex Hall noted as he helped polish up the jet-inspired hood ornament. “The darn thing just screams Christmas cheer.”

Of course, it helped putting Lucinda behind the wheel in her ‘Santa’s Little Helper’ outfit. Trixie from over at the Klip-N-Dye remarked, “She puts the ‘Ho’ in Ho Ho Ho. The whole costume consists of nothing but a strip of white rabbit fur and a red bandana!”

As Lucinda crawled behind the wheel for a test run over to the armory and back before the parade Rex Hall, the pharmacist at Rex Hall Drug, commented “Boobs are like Christmas trees. It’s impossible to tell if the best ones are real or fake.”

Of course, not everyone has embraced the spirit of Christmas, despite the best efforts of the hanging nativity, Santa, and Lucinda. Officer Phil spotted the little Newberry girl on her brand new bike looking for a spot to watch the parade. “Did Santa bring you that new bike for Christmas?” he asked her.

“Sure did!” she exclaimed proudly.

With that, he handed her a ticket for twenty bucks, saying “Next time tell him to put a tail light on the back of it!”

Not missing a beat, she looked up at him and said, “Did Santa bring you that horse you’re riding?”

Playing along, Officer Phil said, “Why yes he did.”

“Well tell him next time the tool goes underneath it, not on top of it.” Even Pastor Peterson from the Almost United Methodist Church giggled at that one.

The whole town council is on the Ford flatbed riding behind Santa’s Starfire. “They’re like a string of Christmas lights,” Mayor Goodman said as he watched them crawl up and take their places. “They hang together, half don’t work, and the rest are pretty dim.”

Gotta run. I think I see the Starfire rounding the corner over on Travis Street.

Merry Christmas to all. Be sure this Christmas makes for a good story.