This is the sixth chapter that’s been running all week. If you missed the others, go back and take a look. This Bad Boy ends tomorrow.

At midnight, the noise from the room next door woke Chad up. Not the way he wanted his Saturday to begin. He’d laid in bed in a state of uhtceare for hours and had just drifted to sleep when the sounds on the other side of the wall rattled his room like a herd of rhinos rumbling over the Serengeti.

Once fully awake, it was obvious that the noises coming from Room 8 were a result of at least two people, maybe more, having gland-to-gland combat at a pace that was beyond anything that could be classified as normal. At least by Fort Stockton standards, anyway. Chad thought he’d let nature run its course and things would settle down on their own once the bone storming had been completed. No such luck. The people in Room 8 were still conducting a bedroom rodeo at 1:00 AM.

Finally, Chad threw on his jeans and a shirt and walked over to the office.  Leon was awake, watching reruns of Starsky & Hutch on a portable Panasonic that was probably new when the show was.  “You got any aspirin?”

Leon was startled.  He looked around behind the counter and found a bottle of Bayer Aspirin that was probably older than the Panasonic.  “You know the blond one just died?” Leon asked.

“Along with my dreams,” Chad said.  Leon had no idea what Chad was talking about.  “Never mind.  Can’t sleep.”

“A lot on your mind?”

“No doubt. But the folks in Room 8 have been christening the yak all night long and none too concerned about anyone around them hearing it. Or trying to get some sleep,” Chad relayed.

“Damndest thing,” Leon said.  He lowered his voice and looked around in each direction.  “They been going at it like that for three days.  Never see ‘em  They never leave the room.  Just have food delivered.  Yesterday a delivery came from Rex Hall Drug.  The kid from the drugstore said the room looked like it had been a nonstop party.  Damn near ransacked.  I asked him what he delivered.  Said he couldn’t say.  Something about HIPPA.  But mentioned ‘little blue pills’ and winked.”

“Got any ear plugs?”

Leon rooted around and found some small rubber ear plugs that were older than the Bayer Aspirin and looked like they could have possibly been used already.  More than once.

“Never mind. I’ll tough it out. Surely it can’t go on forever.” Chad made his way back to his room. He couldn’t help but stop and look at the Cadillac parked next to the Gladiator. The purple light from the mosquito zapper nearby gave the car an eerie glow. Like a lavender halo. There appeared to be flames painted on the whole front end that got darker the further back they went. Chad wasn’t sure what year it was, but thought it was probably a ’63 or ’64.

Glancing inside, through the windows that had been left down, the interior smelled like Chesterfields and Kentucky bourbon. A slight breeze blew the fuzzy dice and stirred up aromas that were not as easily identified as the cigarettes and alcohol. On the floorboard, over on the passenger side under the glove box, were a couple cans of Aqua-Net and three tubes of lipstick. About then the sound of slapping flesh startled Chad and made him back up from the Caddy. A woman’s high shrill voice filled the night air. And then the sound of a man’s voice even higher and more shrill. The sounds that came next were either laughter or tears. It soon became obvious it was both.

Chad went back to his room, put a pillow over his head, and thought about calling Prudence. Gave consideration to asking what he could do to get her back. Tell her he’d do whatever he had to. He wanted to be with the boys again, in his own home, where the sounds of doing the forbidden polka would be from his own bedroom, not from some rabid couple in the room next door. That was the last thing he remembered as he drifted off to sleep.

The sound of his phone going off woke him from a dream that everything was normal again.  It was Mrs. Drury and she seemed to be in kind of a panic.  “Where are you?”

“Just waking up.  Long night.”

“Get in here as soon as you can.  I just got word the suits from Corporate will be here in a couple hours. I gotta cousin in San Angelo.  WHEN PIGS FLY, the corporate jet, just stopped to refuel.  You gotta be here when they get here or all hell is going to break loose, Honey!”

Chad hung up and darted into the shower. The water was ice cold, most of the hot water supply apparently diverted to the room next door. He could hear the couple polishing the porpoise in the shower stall right on the other side of the wall. He didn’t know whether he admired the guy’s stamina or the woman’s technique the most. He’d tip his hat, if he was wearing one.

Regretting there wasn’t a fresh set of clothes available, Chad resorted to throwing on the same jeans and shirt for the third day in a row. He turned his Fruit-of-the-Looms inside out and slid them up without looking. Hair still wet, he stepped out the front door of Room 7. He found himself face-to-face with the Manager of the Piggly Wiggly. It was jarring. What was even more jarring was the fact that his boss was buck naked save for a pair of tortured tighty-whities, holding a small ice bucket wrapped in thick paper and labeled, “Sanitized for your protection”. There was nothing sanitized about the situation, and Chad certainly didn’t feel protected. “What the hell?” Chad said.

“I was just heading over to the ice machine.”  The Manager seemed ill at ease.

“Is that YOU in Room 8?”

The Manager didn’t answer.  He looked sheepish.

“You’ve been in this motel for four days? Do you have any idea what the hell has been going on while you’ve been locked in there pounding the paternal piston? Do you have even a single clue what’s happened at the Piggly Wiggly?”

Before he could say anything else the door to Room 8 opened. Chad didn’t want to look, but it was like driving past an auto accident with a fatality. He had to.

“Chad, this is Shannon.  Shannon Hudspeth,”  the Manager mumbled.

Shannon stepped out the door, grabbed Chad’s hand and shook it like it was a rag doll. “Shannon Hudspeth again, he should have said. Been married a few times. Well, five, actually. Went back to the maiden name for convenience.” She kept shaking Chad’s hand to where he felt his arm going numb. “Any friend of his is a friend of mine.”

Shannon was dressed, sort of, in a black pleather dress that was as tight as it was short.  Chad wondered how she got into it, but was certain she’d been out of it for most of the last four days.  The dress was low-cut to the point of probably violating several Fort Stockton decency statutes, a couple necklaces making sure to punctuate the area that had once been cleavage.  Glancing at the Cadillac, it all made sense now. ”You may have heard of her. They called her “Press Box Hudspeth” back in the day,” the Manager said proudly. Like he’d bagged ‘The Big One’. Shannon smiled and winked.

“Put on some clothes,” Chad yelled towards the Manager. “We’ve got to get to the store. Corporate is on their way into town.” Chad looked at Shannon Hudspeth.“You need to stay here. It complicated enough already.”

“I hadn’t planned on going anywhere, darlin!  I’m just gettin’ settled in.  You can take the Caddy if you want, it’s got a Vortex V8.  It’s got a rumble that’ll wake up the dead,” Shannon offered.  Chad declined, but noted the irony that Shannon and her car shared so many common attributes.

Seven minutes later Chad and the Manager were in the Gladiator heading into town.  “You have no idea what that woman can do.  What she’s capable of.  It goes beyond talent, it’s a gift.”  The Manager was trying to explain what had happened.

“I heard enough of her gifts and talents through the wall. You’re a married man, for Pete’s sake. What were you thinking?” Chad asked. The Manager started talking about gifts and talents again and Chad finally just had to tell him to shut the hell up as they pulled into the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly and made their way inside.

“Are those the same clothes you’ve had on for the last three days, Honey?”  Mrs. Drury asked as Chad and the Manager made their way past Register 4.

“Long story,” Chad said. About then Mrs. Drury looked over at the Manager, then back at Chad. “He’s an even longer story. Do we know when the suits will be here.”

“WHEN PIGS FLY is wheels down at Fort Stockton Municipal Airport and Feedlot,” she said. “I’ve got Raul on site with binoculars. ETA to the store is less than fifteen minutes.”

Chad and the Manager went to the break room and closed the door. Chad tried to get him up to speed, but there was almost too much information to cover. The Manager told him both their careers in food distribution were over, and Chad was fully to blame. In turn, Chad reminded him that not only was his career over, but the Manager’s marriage was over as well if his wife found out about Shannon Hudspeth back in Room 8 at the Naughty Pine Motel, her bordello on wheels, and the four days he’d been missing. It was tense.

That’s when Mrs. Drury came on the intercom. “Suits in the parking lot!”

Chad and the Manager made their way to the front of the store and waited.

“Gather ‘round in the Produce Department. We need to talk. Get everyone together,” Dick Snoutz, the head suit, squealed as he strode past, barely looking at anyone.

Being in Produce was always emotional for Chad anyway, that being the department Prudence worked in when they fell in love.  Or lust, anyway.  He figured it was fitting, though, that’s where his grocery career would end.

There, in between the onions and the okra, Dick and his Vice President for Community Affairs, Bennett Barrow, straightened their ties and cleared their throats, even though it was only Snoutz who would be addressing the gathered team.  “Gonna cut right to the chase.  This little piggy had one hoof in the grave and the other one on a banana peel.  The Fort Stockton location was on the butcher block.  But then something happened…”

Everyone looked at each other and waited for the slaughter.

“This past week saw a chain of events that turned things around,” Snoutz went on. “Our contractors and suppliers started working together as partners rather than adversaries. Dr. Pepper and Wallow Paving have negotiated to split responsibility for the parking lot debacle, rather than see each other in court over the damages incurred due to their individual acts of negligence. That shows an espirit de corps that we hope to implement across the board.”

Nobody knew what espirit de corps was, much less how to implement it.

“Sales have skyrocketed as a result of the promotion with the Fort Stockton Fire Department.  Barrow here is reaching out to fire departments in all the communities we serve, requesting pictures of their fire fighters.  Those that are selected will be asked to hose down store parking lots on a regular basis.  Those events will be heavily advertised weeks in advance. Promotions for rump roast and sausages, feminine products, and the full line of alcohol offerings will be tied to each appearance.”

Chad looked out the window towards the Grounds for Divorce.  Lucinda was looking back and gave him the thumbs up.

“Animal adoptions have gone through the roof because of what happened with the promotion, as well.  Every stray in Fort Stockton has been adopted. The pound in Marfa is transferring half their animals here to keep up with demand.  Again, Barrow is working on a program called ‘Find Your Pet at the Pig’ that will be test marketed in select areas.  The positive feedback we’re getting is the biggest thing that’s happened since we eliminated self checkout.”

Chad looked at Mrs. Drury.  She mouthed the words “You’re welcome, Honey” and gave him a wink.

“And I want this team to know the biggest news of all: because of all the positive press we’ve received nationwide this week, Mr. Barrow has been able to secure an endorsement deal with Kevin Bacon to be the new corporate spokesman. We’re confident Mr. Bacon will do for Piggly Wiggly what Mathew McConaughey did for the Lincoln brand.”

Mrs. Drury yelled out from the lettuces and cabbages, “ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!”  Only Chad got the reference.

“The future is bright for the Piggly Wiggly in Fort Stockton, my friends,” Snoutz continued. People thought he was starting to sound a little like Brother Bob from Second Baptist.  “And let me tell you who we have to thank for it . . . Mr. Stag, step up here and get the recognition you deserve!”

Everybody looked around.  Nobody knew who Mr. Stag was.  Seconds seemed to tick off the clock.  Then, the Manager walked up and joined the suits in front of the crowd.  It was then that all the employees realized for the first time what the Manager’s name was.  Some had worked there for years.

Snoutz put his arm around the Manager and gave him a big ol’ hug. “This is the man that made the difference. But I don’t have to tell you that. Sometimes it takes a crisis for the cream to rise to the top. Let me tell you, when it comes to Piggly Wiggly, this man knows how to pork!”

Chad thought about Shannon Hudspeth in Room 8.

“And we want every single employee here to know that hard work and ingenuity pays off at The Pig.  Mr. Stag is being promoted, effective Monday morning, to the Corporate Office where he can work his magic for every single location!”

There was a slow clap that started somewhere over by peas and carrots.  It eventually made its way to parsnips before Snoutz raised his arms to ‘calm everyone down’.

“Furthermore, Chad will be taking over duties in the capacity of Acting Manager while the situation is evaluated by Human Resources.”  There was a loud roar and cheer from the crowd.  Snoutz had to wait for the chaos to subside before he could go on.

“And Mrs. Drury will become permanent Assistant Manager.”  The crowd erupted.  Checkout boys grabbed cans of navy beans and started banging them together in an ovation that can’t fully be described.  Mrs. Drury just blushed.  “As an added thanks for her service, we’ll be replacing the vinyl top on her Plymouth Fury Brougham sedan at absolutely no cost to her or the Fort Stockton Fire Department, providing that it was a stock color and nothing special order.”

Coffee and oatmeal raisin cookies were served over in the Bakery Department.

Chad tried to get Mr. Snoutz off to the side so he could ask him about the new salary, but Janice, from Cosmetics & Fragrances, had Stoutz cornered next to the Maybelline display asking if Kyra Sedgwick was part of the new celebrity sponsorship.  “She could work miracles with the ladies.  Don’t forget the ladies!”  

Mr. Snoutz wanted to ask her if she heard him say that Mrs. Drury was the new Assistant Manager.  Back in the limo, he turned to Mr. Barrow and said, “Good gawd.  Give those broads an inch and they try to take a mile.”

Congratulations and best wishes were exchanged. Chad wished Prudence could be there to enjoy his moment with him. Acting Manager. Maybe his dreams weren’t all shattered. Perhaps this would be the thing that would get them over the hump in their troubled marriage. He even went so far as to think that, with the promotion, he might be as attractive as Jamie in Prudence’s eyes.

Chad eventually made his way to the parking lot, towards the Gladiator.  He was surprised to see Raul in his Camaro, picking up Mrs. Drury.  Lucinda looked at him from the window of the Grounds for Divorce.  She waved and smiled.  He got in the Jeep and made his way back to the Naughty Pine Motel.  In the office, he told Leon things were looking up.  He got an RC Cola out of the machine.  In his room, he ate a half dozen cookies still in his pocket from the earlier party in the Bakery Department and washed them down with the RC.

He was finally drifting off to sleep when Shannon Hudspeth started banging on the door sometime after midnight, screaming something about being lonely.

Help Chad get his mind off his troubles. Buy him and the Captain a drink a the Lucky Lady Lounge. They could both use it.