---

The fifth chapter in a seven part series.

---

Vernon and Louise Panola were the oldest couple in Phase II of RoadRunner Estates, the couple everyone looked to for advice.  Especially when it concerned things they never would have discussed with their own parents, like the time Patsy had no idea what was taking place between her butt cheeks.  Patsy tried to bring it up discreetly, as though it was nothing unusual, over a cup of Folgers as they sat at the dinette in Louise’s kitchen.  Finally Louise just said, “Spit it out, Girl!  I have no idea what you’re trying to say!”

Of course, it turned out Patsy just had hemorrhoids.  “Good Lord, Honey,” Louise laughed.  “After giving birth to five kids, I’m walking around everyday like I got a Georgia peach stuck between my cheeks.  Don’t you fret!”  The two women sort of bonded over that moment and word spread pretty quickly through Phase II that Louise was the “Go-To” for advice for the other ladies.

Vernon filled the same role with the younger guys in the neighborhood.  Of course, none of them ever made the trek down the street to talk to him thinking he knew they needed advice.  They would just casually mention, as he was filling the lawn mower up with gas or trimming the hedge, what they needed help with.  Wendell Yoakum casually made his way down to Vernon’s place one Saturday and hem-hawed around about the right kind of fertilizer to use on Bermuda grass, but that wasn’t even close to what he really wanted to know.

After about ten minutes, Vernon said, “Boy, what are you wanting to ask.  I don’t have all afternoon.”

“Do you ever, uh, you know, I mean, have you ever had difficulty in . . . the bedroom?”

“Hell, Wendell, I’ve got five kids.  I wish I’d had difficulty!”  Vernon laughed.  Wendell didn’t.  The talk got more serious and Vernon shared tips that Wendell’s dad never could have told him.  The boy’s mind was put at ease.  He delivered a six pack of Pearl the next afternoon, just as a show of gratitude.  Wendell’s wife took him a twelve-pack the day after that.

---

---

The Panola’s picked out the No. 9520 plan when they bought their house in Phase II.  Rod Hardin was helpful in choosing the right colors and options; neither Vernon or Louise were good at that sort of thing.  He really came in helpful after they’d closed and moved in, all the city inspections having been completed.  Rod put the Panolas in touch with all the right contractors so they could convert the breezeway in between the garage and the house into an actual fourth bedroom for the oldest two boys.  That meant that the oldest daughter could have a room of her own, and the twins could share one.

Of course, the two oldest boys having easy access to the outdoors would cause problems when they got older, not just for the Panolas, but for all of RoadRunner Estates.  But in 1957 they were still young enough to have a healthy fear of their father.  The girl was never any problem.  The twins were the twins.  Into everything and bouncing around the house like farts in a skillet.  But by then, Vernon and Louise were both tired.  “You let those twins get away with murder!” the oldest daughter was quick to say.  “If I’d have done half of what those two hellions do, you’d have skinned me alive!”  Neither Vernon nor Louise argued with her.  They were too tired for that, too.

Vernon’s work was always sketchy.  Folks knew he was in something aeronautical, but weren’t sure exactly what he did.  During that time men had careers in Civil Defense, Military Operations, and Intelligence Gathering that were vague.  Others in the neighborhood assumed he fit into one of those categories.  His car was seen going to work through one of the gates to The Facility, so it was assumed that was where he worked.

---

---

But Vernon was part of a Parabolic Flight Crew that was headquartered in an operation run jointly by The Facility and the Air Force in an underground bunker buried deep below the old Crockett Ranch northwest of The Facility Compound.  The following year, in 1958, the whole operation would come to light when the government revealed the newly formed NASA.  That move from secrecy to the limelight would enable Vernon to be much more forthright in discussing exactly what his occupation was.  The time he spent most days in total weightlessness also helped neighbors understand why his knuckles turned white while gripping the steering wheel so tightly, his tendency to repeat himself, and his complaining about having a loose stool so frequently.

Seeing that the entire population of Phase II seemed to be getting new cars, Vernon and Louise felt like it was time to go ahead and make the leap themselves.  The 1951 Nash station wagon they’d been driving for years was showing signs of wear and they could see a future of repair bills neither wanted to deal with.  One Saturday, while Vernon was out planting some Black-Eyed-Susans in the bed around the mailbox, Ron Hardin swung by and asked Vernon if he could have a word.

“I know guys look up to you and come to you for advice quite a bit,” Rod said standing next to his ’56 Sunliner.  “I was hoping you could help me out.”  The two men ducked in Vernon’s garage for some privacy.  Rod dropped his pants and pointed to a lump in his groin area and asked Vernon to have a look and see what he thought.”

Bending down to get a closer look, Vernon said “We used to see these quite a bit back during combat duty in Dubya Dubya Deuce, particularly in high humidity combat areas.  A swollen, highly inflamed area tucked in right behind the ballsack.  It’s about at the two o’clock position in the taint.  Left alone, it will probably burst on its own, but you never know when or where and it could be embarrassing, if you know what I mean.”  Vernon seemed confident in what he was saying.  Rod was looking for some relief.

“You could wait to get in to see the doctor, but who knows how long that will take.  I can lance it for you right here and put you out of your misery.  A little two-cycle oil additive will clean the area and numb the pain.”  Vernon reached towards the shelf above the workbench.  

Rod gripped the sides of the workbench and shook his lower torso slightly in order for his khakis to fall to the ground.  With the Everlast dandelion puller Vernon recently purchased from the Rusty Hammer Hardware Store and only used a few times firmly in his right hand, he drew his arm back slowly, taking aim at the throbbing and reddened area and plunged the tool in at full throttle.

---

---

The sheer force of the act took Rod’s breath away.  He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out.  And yet, there was a sense of relief, as well.  Vernon grabbed a red shop towel from the shelf and applied pressure to what had been the lump, as there was a fairly steady stream of fluids draining out of it from the initial puncture, pooling on the garage floor.  Patsy and Gilbert Runnels, driving by in Gil’s new Dodge Royal sedan, honked and waved towards the garage.  Luckily, the fluorescent bulbs handing over the workbench were only 25 watt, and not enough to fully illuminate the area.  They were just waving at shadows, although getting a glimpse of one of the shadows with his khakis down around his ankles, Patsy thought she recognized Rod.

Anyway, shortly after Rod limped back to his Sunliner and Vernon had finished spraying off the dandelion puller with the garden hose, he went in, showered, and told Louise they were heading into to Frontier Ford, “Home of the Straight Shootin’ Deal”, and getting a new car.  “I’m making good money down in the bunker.  The patio furniture is paid off.  We won’t stand out as being ‘showy’ now that everyone else is driving new cars.  It’s time to get something we can all fit in comfortably, especially before we take that vacation to San Antonio this summer,” he told Louise.

They left all five kids at home and instructions with the oldest one.  “Keep your eye on the hellions.  Don’t let your older brothers sneak out of the breezeway.  If the place catches on fire, here’s a list of things to grab before you run out of the house,” Vernon told her.  She was surprised to see her siblings were not on the list.

Three hours later, Vernon and Louise were pulling through the entrance to RoadRunner Estates in a brand new 1957 Mercury Commuter Wagon.  Driving past the rock monument with a rustic wagon wheel in the middle on either side of the entrance, Vernon honked the horn as they glided by the model home.  Rod looked up from the ice pack he was holding on his crotch and nodded, too scared to reduce the pressure long enough to wave.

The Mercury had what Vernon called a ‘Newspaper Interior’.  “Black and white and red all over!” He doubled over with laughter every time he said it.  And he said it quite often.  The Merc-O-Matic three-speed automatic transmission mated to the 368 cubic inch V8 was the smoothest thing Vernon had experienced since he gave Louise a Lady Shick razor for Christmas.  The skirted rear wheels and wide white walls made the car look like it was floating in air, just like Vernon did at work in the Parabolic Chamber.

The Panola’s new station wagon easily captured the title of being the most opulent of the new 1957 models gracing the driveways in Phase II of RoadRunner Estates.  Pound for pound, the excess displayed in the Commuter wagon was head and shoulders above even the Turquoise and Jewel Black Dodge Royal sedan down the street.  The bar had been raised.  

As such, it was totally unexpected when the next new ’57 arrived in the development.

---

---