The history books will tell you the fall of the Soviet Union came in 1989. Truth is, it was thirty years earlier when this 1959 Mercury Park Lane was unveiled and they caught wind of it.
It didn’t take a “Panoramic Skylight Windshield” to be able to see the future, but Mercury provided one, nonetheless, and it didn’t look good for the Ruskies. The catalog stated this year’s Mercury “has a longer wheelbase and wider rear tread”. They may as well have said “Size matters and you guys come up short.” The brochure went on to boast about Mercury’s “Clean-Dynamic Styling”, something nobody ever accused Khrushchev of knowing anything about.
Sure, they had put the first man in space and they were feeling pretty good about themselves. But it didn’t take America long to show them who had The Right Stuff, whether it was in space or on the smooth pavement of the brand new Interstate Highway System behind the wheel of solid Detroit iron.
The brochure went on to explain “the instrument panel has been moved forward to give you more knee and leg room . . . even the floor has been flattened.” The only thing flattened in Moscow was the dream of ever being able to cruise Red Square in anything like a ’59 Mercury.
“Merc-O-Matic” transmission. “Marauder V8” engine. “It’s swept-back ball-joint front suspension pulls the front wheels over bumps . . . Extra efficient, 3-phase shock absorbers soak up the shock and vibration before it ever reaches you.” Are they describing the ’59 Mercury or democracy?
You know the pudgy politicians in the Politburo knew their days were numbered when they flipped to the back of the brochure and saw the black Colony Park with the red and white interior splashed across the two page spread. “Surely this is only available to the Party Leaders in the USA, not everyone, right?”
Translators would have had to explain hardtop styling, dual-toned upholstery, and power windows and locks. There were no words, though, to describe the multi-pod instrument cluster positioned right in front of the driver. Not even their Sputnik had knobs and switches so advanced.
“Comrades,” you can hear the one at the head of the table saying, “we’re doomed. We’ve got nothing to compete with freedom, justice, and this new Colony Park.”
“What do we do then?” asks Igor from the back of the gray drafty room.
“We run out the clock. If this is what they drive, they’ll beat us to the moon and beyond. We won’t go down without a fight, but it’s only a matter of time. I give it thirty years, tops.”
And yet, half a world away, Americans thought it was just another new car introduction. They had no idea how lucky they were.
6 responses to “THE CAR THAT KILLED COMMUNISM”
Watch a movie titled “One, Two, Three “.
James Cagney’s last movie. Funny!
Circa 1963 in Berlin, both sides. Some good car stuff that’s relevant to this.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Style, fashion, glamour, and a nod to utility –
But not too much as to sacrifice elegance.
Far be it from me to question The Captain’s view of history, but it seems to me that the Ruskies didn’t just roll over and wait for the inevitable when the 1959 Mercury Park Lane was introduced. They got out their Kсерокс machines and copied the Mercury while making some proletariatian changes, and badged the result as a ZiL. Pudgy Politburo politicians need something to ride in while waving to the gathered masses in Red Square, you know.
Shades of the Ruskie rebadged version of the Packard Patrician.
And now Mr KGB himself, bit by bit, seeks to re-establish the Russian Empire, potentially with the assistance of a self-aggrandizing “Businessman”.
Cap’n you just like this Park Lane because it is the twin brother from a different mother to your Bermuda . . .
Brother from another mother,
Or maybe per your Bermuda, this voluptuous mistress is a Sister from/for another Mister?