Well, it’s been hotter than hell in Fort Stockton, hitting 107 a couple days this week. A fairly mild July had given way to a brutal August to the point that the National Weather Service has issued instructions on how to bake a lasagna in your mailbox.
The heat had affected everyone’s attitude at the Grounds for Divorce. Everyone just wants to talk about the heat instead of cars. Probably a good thing because they’d probably just want to ask about whether the Fairlane 500 is running yet and I’d rather not talk about it. Nothing new on that front. It’s just been too hot to deal with. I’m still going over all the suggestions for the next step, with one eye on an ad for a flatbed tow truck to take it somewhere that I can just say, “Make it run.”
Buttercup, in week #6 of “enjoying” her new right knee is progressing nicely, although I can still outrun her fairly easily. Might just be the heat, though.
The one thing other than the heat that seems to have captured everyone’s attention is how proud we all are of Brittany Lacayo. Granted, she’s from San Antonio and not Fort Stockton. But she’s Texas through and through and we’re dam sure claiming her as our own. She was made famous this week and received the attention she deserved when Guinness World Records awarded her the distinction of being the female human being with the widest tongue in the entire world.
“My family used to joke about it when I was little,” said the Houston lawyer. Lacayo said she doesn’t know of anyone else in her family who shares the trait. The San Antonio Express-News interviewed her (the Stockton Telegram-Dispatch didn’t have anyone they could send to Houston, as all their crack reporters are covering heat related stories all over Pecos county.) Lacayo explained that her best friend saw the previous record holder’s video and sent it to her. “Out of curiosity, I measured my tongue, and it was wider,” she said.
Of course, some of the comments at the roundtable in the middle of the cafe were not in very good taste. Luckily, Sister Thelma wasn’t there, as she was busy sorting out cans for the food drive and didn’t have time for coffee. Rusty Hammer from the hardware store said something about Thad Gunter getting in his Pontimercrosoto and high tailing it back to Texas if he ever caught wind of that record-holding tongue. Lucinda cut him off before he could say anything else, but I saw him whispering something in New Guy’s ear that I’m sure was inappropriate.
The boys around the table were all still a little subdued from the bad news surrounding Chance Collinsworh and Eileen Parker McHale. Their fiery passing in front of The Pig caught a lot of folks off guard. Nadine Thompson hasn’t been seen in her Olds Ninety-Eight since the fateful day. Trixie reported that she thought she saw the Ninety-Eight and Shannon Hudspeth’s Cadillac parked next to each other behind the Eggs-N-Ammo a couple days ago. She speculated maybe they didn’t want to be seen at the Lucky Lady, so they bought a 12-pack of Lone Star Longnecks at the convenience store and just enjoyed them in the privacy of Nadine’s burgundy sedan. Nobody could verify that, but if that’s the case it would almost be as hot in that Oldsmobile as it was in Eileen’s 1961 Maserati 3500 GT just as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir began singing.
Rex, the pharmacist in town, did mention in between comments on the heat, and the widest female tongue in the world, that Hagerty had come out with the list of Top Five cars that had lost value this summer. Reading from the Stockton Telegram-Dispatch to anyone who’d listen, he said, “1968–72 Chevelle, 1969–70 Ford Mustang Boss 429, 1967 Shelby GT500, 1969–72 Pontiac Grand Prix, and the 1969–70 Pontiac GTO Judge have all lost 4-7% of their value this summer.”
Chad, being Chad, retorted, “It’s a good thing nobody at the table owns one of those, or that news would make them take their Viagra business elsewhere!”
“Son,” Rex replied, “there are two things you don’t joke about here at the Grounds for Divorce. Erectile dysfunction and faulty fuel pumps”
“Kind of both the same thing,” Lucinda noted.
Later that night, when the CotW Committee got together at the CMC World Headquarters above the Ben Franklin, I noted that there had been a rush of CMC cap orders after the story about DB Cooper making his way to Fort Stockton hit the inter-webs. “I may have to re-order soon. The damn things are flying off the shelves.”
“Glad you told me,” Rex said. “I better do the same with my Viagra stock. Whenever your cap sales go up, so do mine.”
“Things start going up all over town,” Lucinda said. And then she called the meeting to order so we could address the matter at hand.
The debate was fairly vigorous, but in the end, Vtfly gets the award this week for his comment of ONLY BY CHANCE, Chapter III:
“In this episode I detect notes of Garrison Keillor enhanced by the aroma of Danielle Steel.”
Sometimes less is more. Or maybe it was because most of the committee didn’t know who Danielle Steel was. Anyway, congrats to Vtfly.
The Comment of the Week Prize Pack is waiting for you at the GFD, on the shelf under the Bunn-O-Matic. You’ll be the envy of your friends when they hear what you’ve won. You are the proud recipient of a four-hour fishing excursion on Lake Leon with Earl from Earl’s Wrecking Yard and Formalwear. You’ll need to schedule this on any Wednesday of your choice in October. (That’s when the stripers are spawning and you stand the best chance at a catching a stringer full.) Also included is SPAM flavored lip glaze to be sure your lips don’t get chapped in the west Texas sun. It’s like UV protection and a snack, all in one tube! And, finally, a Noggin’ Net. That’s right. A wearable fishing net that doubles as a hat. Stay cool while at the same time making sure the Big One doesn’t get away. (Be sure to wash it after every use. Your wife might wonder what that shampoo is you’ve been using.)
It’s your lucky day, Vtfly! See Lucinda at the GFD to pick up your prize pack.
Enough of all that. We’ve got a full week of stories ahead. Don’t forget that if you forgive the fox for stealing your chickens, he’ll end up taking your sheep.
El Capitán
16 responses to “FROM THE BACK OF THE BERMUDA, 8/25/2024”
Thinking Brittany should have a flounder’s head tattooed to the end of her tongue. That would be quite the sight.
(If she was English, then Dover Sole might be more appropriate.)
Lemon/caper toothpaste would be called for. You get your Piccata puns to go with this…
When did Kimberly Guilfolye change her name to Brittany Lacayo?
That’s funny, I don’t care who you are.
My Dad bought a new 1970 Ambassador wagon in 1969. I learned how to drive with my Mon’s 1967 Beetle. I learned how not to drive with that Ambassador . . .
As a side note, in the Benz ad (right after the AMC ad) the Benz test driver cheated – he knew that the truck was coming, from where and when, he started the swerve before the truck came out of hiding.
‘Standard air conditioning.’ I miss American Motors.
American Motors is that crazy uncle that nobody wanted to sit next to at Thanksgiving. But then after he got colorectal arterial defibrillation syndrome and passed, everyone realized how much they missed him.
I resemble that remark
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/04/39/07/043907cbf687c17a29301e0e19254b0d–american-motors-wisconsin.jpg
I admire your courage.
Dang Vtfly. A Noggin Net, what a prize! That is the perfect compliment to my Popeil Pocket Fisherman. The Captain must be rollin’ in the dough upping the prizes.
I don’t like to brag, but . . . .
Years ago our son accepted the position of Assistant Chief Engineer at the Aquarium, and soon learned how expensive it was to buy all his lunch either at their restaurant, or other downtown spots. I gifted him a Popiel Pocket Fisherman, and his boss laughed his a$$ off.
He didn’t use it, and never opened the package.
I know, right? Not sure which I’m gonna like better- the Spam lip balm or that Noggin Net In any event, I’m firing up the old plane and heading down to Fort Stockton to pick up my prize. I’ll forego the fishing trip. No sense stinking up the plane for the ride home. But then there’s that Spam…
““Out of curiosity, I measured my tongue, and it was wider,” she said. ”
(Best Andy Rooney voice) You ever wonder about something but didn’t really want to know the answer? For me, it’s “How did she measure her tongue?” I have a whole slew of measuring instruments around the house, none of which I would care to lick…especially after all we’ve learned about the transfer of germs over the last 5 or 10 years. Talk about petri dishes!
Good luck with the Fairlane 500, Captain. Bitter personal experience prompts me to advise that it becomes terribly easy to go from not doing something today to not doing it tomorrow to not doing that next week to “When was the last time that car moved?”
You are right, of course. I vow to have the Fairlane 500 on the road by Labor Day. And steer clear of measuring my tongue, no matter how tempting it might be.
Just realized Labor Day Weekend is next weekend. I may have to modify that bold claim. I’ll get back to you.
I figured you were burning the midnight oil, studying the shop manual. Always looks easy in books!