Folks fully expected the Grounds for Divorce to be empty this morning when they went in, being a Monday and all. It was just the opposite. The place was packed, like everyone in Fort Stockton wanted a cup of Folgers all at the same time. Lucinda was having a hard time keeping the coffee cups refilled. Notably, she’s had to go to standard cafe style coffee cups instead of the Captain My Captain mugs. Since they sold out on the CMC website they’ve become collectors’ items and people from as far away as Crane have been driving to the GFD and stealing them.
Anyway, the place was buzzing. And depending on which table you walked by, there seemed to be two hot topics of conversation taking place. Depending on which table you were sitting at you were either talking about the investigative article that just came out in the Stockton Telegram-Dispatch, or the Different Beat Series that concluded yesterday on the CMC blog. Lucinda seemed to be struggling to mediate both topics as she sashayed back and forth between the tables, the cash register, and the Bunn-O-Matic.
New Guy, Benard Marx, Rusty from the hardware store, and Sister Thelma were all debating the STD article. It seems that Scoops Delray dug into the details not commonly known about the gold watches Mayor Goodman is peddling on his website and over at the Ben Franklin. The allegedly “gold Swiss watches” were all tracked down to a strip mall in Montana. Benard said, “The only thing that is ‘Swiss’ about the damn things is the fact that they’re cheesy. Just like the mayor. It would be obvious to anyone with half a brain that they’re as fake as his spray tan.”
“It says here that the same address is linked to Male Enhancement Honey,” Sister Thelma reported as she skimmed the article.”
“What the hell even is ‘Male Enhancement Honey’,” New Guy asked.
“Language!” Sister Thelma retorted. “ The article says the FDA has warned people about the honey, and not to use it.”
“We’ve been warned about Mayor Goodman, too, but half the people of Fort Stockton choose to look the other way,” Lucinda said as she refilled coffee cups. “Good gawd almighty.”
Over at the big roundtable in the middle of the cafe, all the talk was about A Different Beat. Rex, Chief Martin, Motcat, HairlessB29, and Vern, the motel clerk from the Naughty Pine were going over the details of the story. “So are all the elements of that story correct?” Rex Hall, the pharmacist here in Fort Stockton seemed concerned.
The Captain couldn’t publish the story if it wasn’t true, Delgado said as he put big oval platters covered in biscuits and sausage gravy down in front of everyone. “Don’t forget that FOX News got caught lying about the 2020 election and had to pay nearly 800 million in fines.”
“You can damn sure bet the Captain hasn’t sold enough caps to cover that kind of fine,” Rex retorted.
“If you’ll notice, Sadie has been able to do a lot more of the more gymnastic type moves since her surgery. She’s even the cheerleader that’s at the very top of the “Pyramid of Knives” on the 50 yard line at home games now. She couldn’t do that if her uterus wasn’t held firmly in place,” Delgado noted. Lucinda just rolled her eyes.
“And Janice Amos is driving a new Lincoln Navigator. I saw her getting out of it at the Piggly Wiggly yesterday,” Hairless chimed in. “Not gonna lie, I was a little pissed that she got that beauty for $50 over dealer invoice.”
“Don’t forget, she had to pay full sticker for the appearance protection package,” Motcat reminded everyone. They all nodded and felt a little better. “Three grand for a couple cans of Scotchguard and four plastic door edge guards seems like she got what she had coming.”
Chief Martin took a big sip of Folgers, leaned back in his chair and a smile crept onto his face. “I have to admit, when I went to the boy’s viewing over at the Bridges Funeral Home, I wondered just what was up with the smile plastered on his mug. It makes sense now.” Everyone around the table chuckled, though they felt guilty about it.
Lucinda, back at the big table refilling cups again, said, “I’m just so glad Titus got a second chance. That’s not something most people get.”
“I have no idea whether it’s true or not,” Motcat noted, “but I’ve heard that every time Sally-Sue drives past Jim Bowie High School in her Chrysler Crossfire, the new heart in Titus’ chest starts beating a lot faster and he has to sit down for a while.”
Back at the other table, everyone was still fixated on the STD story. “So were the fake Swiss watches actually made in Montana?” Sister Thelma was trying to get all the facts right.
“Probably China.” Rex seemed irritated. “Just like the Golden Tennis Shoes.”
“So the Male Enhancement Honey. . .” New Guy said. “Do you eat it or apply it? I’ve always enjoyed a nice peanut butter and honey sandwich. If you could enjoy a nice sandwich and get the added benefit of being able to surprise the missus with some ‘extra effort’, it might just be worth it. Does it say what the cost is?”
Sister Thelma ignored him. “It says all the Proud to be a Fort Stocktonite Bibles were printed in China and cost three bucks each.”
“The ones he sold for $59.95?” Rex was flummoxed.
“Hell, you can get two Captain My Captain caps for that, New Guy shouted. “And I’ve heard that wearing one of those negates the need for the honey!”
Lucinda told him to keep it down, but glanced over at Sister Thelma and mouthed, “I bought one for Delgado. Damn!” Sister Thelma blushed, and said nothing about the language.
At the big table in the middle of the cafe Vern mentioned something about a guy that looked a lot like Sally-Sue’s father having been dropped off by a truck driver right in front of the Naughty Pine last night. “He said he’d heard that his daughter had apparently come into some money recently and he came back to town to reconnect. I never even put two and two together, but I’ll bet it was the same sumbitch that got her to finance that Crossfire.”
Chief Martin got up and headed towards the front door and his Galaxie patrol car just outside. “I’ll be damned if that kind is welcome back here in Fort Stockton.” The Galaxie was in full pursuit mode headed east towards the motel. Nobody mentioned the irony of Chief Martin going after Sallie-Sue’s father, but was tight with the mayor.
Just about the same time Chief Martin was heading out the door, AngusHopper was heading in. He stopped by the jukebox and dropped enough quarters in for Escalades and Escapades to play on a loop for about 20 minutes. Hearing Janice Amos’ sweet southern voice dripping with details of luxury SUVs and Rice Krispy Treats kind of put a lump in everyone’s throat.
After the second or third play, Benard got out his iPad and pulled up the video he’d made relating the story of his own experience with a CMC cap:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GauRY_k-CV48rqyjxYfVGjV4VZ-2pim_/view
New Guy still wasn’t convinced. “If you have to apply the honey, I’m afraid the dog wouldn’t leave me alone.” Then, it seemed to dawn on him that maybe the way to go would be a cap for the missus and the Male Enhancement Honey for he and Trigger, his rescue Rottweiler. He pulled out his phone and his credit card and headed to the Men’s Room. That was about the same time Lieutenant Crosby and Wells Teague drove by in Crosby’s SUV. Rusty said something about the two of them and a Hummer. Everyone was confused and then embarrassed. It was quiet for a few minutes while Janice sang her song one more time on the jukebox.
I’ll tell you, I hate that I missed the whole thing. Lucinda had to fill me in on all the details when I stopped by later in the morning. I’d been home all morning trying to get the Fairlane 500 started.
“If you follow the Captain’s blog and enjoy the stories he provides every morning to go with your Folgers, show him you appreciate the effort. After all, if you come in and get breakfast at the Grounds for Divorce every morning, it ain’t free. Show a little love down below.” – Lucinda
$10 gets him a coffee.
$15 adds a wedge of Lucinda’s homemade pie.
$25 and he stays at the GFD for lunch.
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“If you haven’t ever pitched in, but have read all 527 stories, you’ve got some makin’ up to do. Dig deep, gosh darn it.” – Trixie from the Klip-N-Dye
“Thanks for the support.” – The Captain
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5 responses to “FROM THE BACK OF THE BERMUDA, 10/21/2024”
Good on ‘ya, Bernard.
I put my cap on at coffee this morning and me-lady reminded me to pick up the dry cleaning.
But I will wear it all day and see…
1. I obviously didn’t learn my lesson regarding juke boxes: Years ago after discovering a college classmate had just found out the girl he was dating worked at a gentleman’s club, I thought it would be funny to play J. Geils’ “My Angel is a Centerfold” on the jukebox at a local watering hole.
Not being the sharpest tool in the shed, it took until the third replay for him to figure out he was being wound up—that and the fact that I and my fellow inebriates were idiotically laughing.
He didn’t share our sense of humor, and being that he stood a head taller than the rest of us we were compelled to take evasive maneuvers to another watering hole.
I’m glad my efforts at the GFD were more appreciated.
2. If there is a cinematic equivalent to Fort Stockton’s illustrious Foolitzer Prize, Benard Marx is a shoe-in for his masterfully produced clip. Bravo Sir.
Bernard’s efforts deserve an Oscar (Meyer). He should have had you provide the soundtrack, what with your above average jukebox skills.
“Let’s do the time warp again”
Cap you and buttercup… timeless cringe! 40 minutes to 4 hours! LOL shower and nap included? oil change?
But gotta give it to you, although we have not met, buttercup is a fine woman. I mean that in the most polite, gentlemanly way! kinda… 🙂
While Buttercup and I are both grateful for the kind words, neither of us can take any credit for the video. That is, in fact, Benard Marx and the Little Woman’s fine work. They created the clip and sent it into the CMC offices above the Ben Franklin for distribution to the masses. It was too good not to share.