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This is the fifth chapter of a holiday series that will run for seven days and end on Christmas.

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The Country Squire eventually made its way back to the brick Tudor home of Doug’s youth in Ferndale.  Doug’s family felt like they knew him a little better having seen the town he grew up in, the high school he graduated from, the drive-in hamburger joint he used to love, the library he checked out books from, the bike store where he got his first bike, the exact layout of the paper route he had in junior high, and the grocery store his family shopped at when he was a kid.  Somewhere along the tour, Dana had him pull over to a convenience store so she could run in and buy a pack of cigarettes, went to the ladies’ room and smoked three of them, just to try to calm her nerves.  The effort of acting as though she cared about anything she was being shown as the Doug Nolan Hometown Tour rolled through Ferndale was sapping the last bit of patience she was attempting to hold on to.  Kristen and Kim had the good graces to fall asleep at some point, lest any comments be made.

Making their way into the house through the side door to the kitchen, the smells of holiday pies and cookies baking in the oven mixed with those of the pot roast in the crock pot. The mashed potatoes, smothered in butter and being whipped to perfection made everyone walking into the kitchen react like Pavlov’s dog walking into the Bell Choir rehearsal at the Almost United Methodist Church. Mouths were watering, even though they were all still stuffed from breakfast. “Swear to God,” Dana whispered to Doug, “my clothes aren’t going to fit if we stay the full week.” Andy Williams was crooning on the Magnavox about it being the best time of the year. Dana thought perhaps he owned stock in grocery stores.

No sooner had the dust settled from Doug, Dana, and the girls coming back to Grandma’s house than the red Mustang Boss 429 screeched to a stop a foot behind the Country Squire. Kyle bounded out the passenger door, but held it open so Betz, his uncle’s girlfriend, could back out of the backseat. Watching out the front picture window, Dana was surprised by her son’s new found sense of chivalry until the reason became obvious. As she watched Kyle ogle Betz’s butt, she muttered to herself, “Men are pigs. Even the young ones.” Luckily, Andy on the Magnavox drowned out her words so neither Doug, nor Grandma Nolan, heard her brief summary of half the population. Stan was up in his room, not having been seen since breakfast.

Seeing the group disembark from the Mustang and head to the front door, Doug opened it for Betz so she could come in.  Dana rolled her eyes.  Kyle followed and then Bobby, all smiles.  “How was the tour?” Bobby asked Doug.  “Not much has changed, has it?”

“Like stepping back in time,” Doug said.  

“Centuries,” Dana said under her breath.

“We’ll be eating in about fifteen minutes. Everybody might want to get cleaned up.” Grandma headed back into the kitchen like a miner heading back into the mine after discovering a fresh vein of gold. Cooking for family was Grandma’s love language, and she was riding the crest of a wave she’d looked forward to for months. Bobby went to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer for himself and Doug. He thought about handing one to Kyle, but then reconsidered. ‘Maybe when there isn’t an audience,’ he thought to himself. Instead, Kyle got a wink and a knowing nod, which was safer than a beer.

Dana and Betz asked if they could help in the kitchen, knowing what the answer would be. Grandma was like an orchestra conductor, the kitchen her own personal symphony hall. Nobody else performed in that space, lest the composition be ruined by novices not classically trained attempting to join in. “Oh no, dears. I’ve got it all under control. You’re kind to ask.”

Kristen waited until the last person had gone into the bathroom to wash up before dinner and then went in and locked the door.  She heard her dad open the door to the upstairs and yell, “Dinner’s ready!” and waited till everyone had passed before flushing the toilet.  The number of people parading past the bathroom door while it was being used was something she didn’t think she’d ever get used to.  She quickly made her way to the kitchen and wedged into the only spot left.

“Why don’t you say the blessing, Bobby?”

Bobby cleared his throat and took a second to get right with God, bowed his head, and said, “Feet on the floor, backs to the wall, let’s pray to God we can eat it all!”  Kristen stifled her chuckle.  Kyle did not.  Dana thought to herself, even the good looking men are pigs.  Grandma silently asked forgiveness for Bobby and wondered where she’d gone wrong.  They had just begun passing the dishes of homemade delicacies around the table, family style, when there was all manor of commotion outside.  Someone had pulled into the driveway, horn blaring like they were trying to clear traffic on the way to some type of emergency.

“What the hell?” Bobby said.  Grandma again asked for forgiveness for the youngest of her three kings.  “Good God Almighty!” he yelled.  “It’s Ann and Don and the boys!”

Everyone turned their attention from the feast Grandma had been working on since finishing the breakfast dishes and looked out the kitchen window to the pale yellow and white 1965 Rambler Classic 660 wagon wedged in the end of the driveway behind the Mustang.  The tail end of the Rambler extended out into the street two feet.

“What is that?” Kyle asked.

“It’s your Aunt Ann and her family,” Doug said.

“No, I mean that thing they’re getting out of?”  Kyle said.  “Is that one of those foreign cars?”

Bobby laughed.  “Almost.  It’s made in Wisconsin!”

Stan looked up and grunted, but nobody was sure exactly what the sound was supposed to indicate.

A minute later Don was through the front door, yelling “Merry Christmas” at the top of his lungs. Ann was still out in the snow struggling to get the boys out of the car alone with what would be the first of several loads of luggage and a few sparse gifts from the cargo area. Bobby rose, gave Don a quick slap on the back and headed out into the cold air to help his sister. Doug followed him out. Don made his way to the kitchen, “Thank God we didn’t miss dinner. I didn’t stop for lunch so we could get here for it. We’re all starving.” He took inventory of what was in the various dishes around the table while taking off his coat and tossing it in the general direction of the living room in hopes it would catch something other than the floor. “Nobody can cook like Mama Nolan.” Grandma managed a polite smile.

Grandma got up from the table and asked Kyle to help her get the TV trays out of the basement and set them up in the living room.  Dana joined them.  Kristen, Betz, and Kim looked at each other as though they’d just walked into the middle of a movie and had no idea of what the story was or who the characters were.  Don grabbed a plate from the counter, sat in the chair Bobby had been in and began dishing up a feast fit for a king while his wife and kids struggled to get everything unloaded from the Rambler out front.

Digging out the TV trays downstairs in the basement, Kyle noted all the odd things stored in the stuffy closet, many he didn’t even recognize or know what purpose they served.  Punch bowls and slide projectors, photo albums and a box with a wedding dress simply marked ‘ANN’.  Handing the last of the trays to his mother, he felt a couple drops fall onto his forehead, but didn’t think anything of it.  They hustled upstairs and quickly attempted to turn the living room into a dining room.  Grandma looked at Ann and thought it looked like she’d put on weight, particularly around her middle section.  She started to ask about it when Ann said, “I’m about to burst.  We didn’t stop for potty breaks so we could make it by dinner!” and headed to the bathroom.  Seconds later there was a shriek.

It quickly became obvious Ann would not find the relief she was looking for, as the water flowing over the top of the toilet bowl was now two inches deep in the bathroom and heading down the hall like a hoard of shoppers on Black Friday at the Ben Franklin.  Bobby and Doug shifted their mission from unloading the Rambler to stopping the flow of the river exiting the bathroom and making its way down the hall.  Bobby grabbed the closest thing nearby, Don’s overcoat, and threw it over the liquid carnage while reaching down to turn off the water supply.

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Dana, quickly taking stock of the scene, found Kristen and whispered, “Did you flush ‘something’ down the toilet that perhaps was not meant to be flushed?”

Kristen had the look of someone who had just realized they were an axe murder when all they’d meant to do was trim the tree.  “I had no idea!”

“These are sixty year old pipes,” Dana said  “They weren’t meant for that!”  Tears began to overflow Kristen’s cheeks like the toilet in the bathroom.

In the meantime, twelve people suddenly felt the urge to urinate, or more, and realized there was nowhere to go.  Even Andy Williams telling everyone for the fourth time in the last ninety minutes that it was the most wonderful time of the year, it didn’t feel like it.  Kyle got his dad off to the side.  “You might want to check the closet in the basement.”

Doug ran down the stairs.  And then back up.  Don was working on his second plate of food at the kitchen table, alone now.  Stan had gone back up to his room.  Betz, Kristen, and Kim had joined Dana upstairs in Doug’s room, just attempting to not be in the way and feeling useless as the holiday drama downstairs unfolded.  Grandma was looking at all the food she’d prepared, all of it getting cold.  She got the aluminum foil and Tupperware out and tried to salvage what she could.

Ann made her way into the kitchen to help.  Her mother looked up at her.  “Are you pregnant, dear?”

“I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.  Don got a vasectomy.  We thought it was impossible.  I found out I was pregnant two weeks afterwards.”  Ann looked away, not wanting to share the fear she knew would be seen in her eyes.

“It’ll be alright,” her mother said.  She drew her daughter in and held her close, like she did when she was a little girl.

“I really have to pee,” Ann said, finally breaking the embrace.

Moments later Ann was on her way to the next door neighbor’s house.  Dana, Betz, Kristen, and Kim soon followed her across the driveway.  Kyle, his dad and uncle made their way one at a time to a spot behind Grandma’s garage, between the fence and the rhubarb patch.  An hour later the snowbank was yellow.  Kyle had left a particularly creative design, spelling out ‘K-Y-L’ but having to come back to finish the ‘E’ later after having another Coke.

As the sun was setting on in the snowy Michigan sky, the men gathered around the table, the women in the living room.  “We’ve got the toilet functioning again.  That’s the main thing,” Doug said.  “But we’ve got water damage in the bathroom, down the hall, and in the basement.  We’re going to have to get that taken care of.  It’s a mess.”

Bobby ran his hands through his long hair a couple times, a habit he performed when he was thinking.  Finally, he put both hands down on the table.  “Here’s what we do,” he said.  “I’ve got a buddy who’s got a cabin an hour, hour and a half from here.  Betz and I load up all the kids in your Country Squire.  We leave early in the morning and take ‘em all sledding up there.  Let ‘em experience real snow.  Get ‘em all out of the house all day.  While we’re gone, Doug and Don can take the Rambler wagon over to Tony’s and get everything you need for the repairs.  Do what you gotta do.  Mom and Dana and Ann can take the Mustang over to the mall and go Christmas shopping.  By the time we all get back home tomorrow night, the repairs will be done and the house will be good as new.”

The idea hung in the air for a minute while everyone thought through the plan.  Out of nowhere, Stan said, “I’ll go with you.  I have an employee discount.  I can help with the repairs.”  Everyone was taken aback at the appearance, then the offer that was made by the oldest brother.

“That’s the plan then.  Just a minor setback.  Nothing we can’t handle.  It’s not like there’s ‘no room at the inn’.  There are just some issues at the inn that we need to get fixed.”  Doug was looking at the bright side, perhaps spurred on by Stan’s sudden appearance and offer to help.

In the living room, the news of a different miraculous conception was shared. Everyone sitting on the doily- covered furniture put their best positive spin on the news and offered Ann their support. “Three is the way to go,” Dana said. “You’ll love it.” Ann fought back tears as she thanked them all for their encouragement.

Down in the basement, Doug’s three kids were attempting to get to know Ann’s two kids, figuring they were cousins, they must have something in common.  So far they hadn’t found it.  Eventually Kyle found a couple decks of cards behind the bar and they played some card games that drew their cousins out of their shells and at least made them seem human.

Doug, Bobby, Stan, and Don walked into the living room after calling all the kids up from the basement.  He went over the plan.  Everyone seemed relieved that there was a plan after the chaos that had gripped the household earlier.  After finishing up the details of what would take place the following day, Bobby said, “I’m hungry.  I think we somehow skipped dinner in all the confusion.”

Grandma got up and headed to the kitchen, “It’ll take me forty-five minutes to get everything reheated.”

“Sit down, Mom.  We’re loading up the two wagons in the driveway and heading over to Papa Nick’s for pizza.  My treat.  It was always Dad’s favorite,”  Doug said.

That night, up in Doug’s room, talking in low whispers, Dana said, “You know we’re using the money we were saving for Disneyland on this trip, right?”

“Probably so.  You gotta do what you gotta do,” Doug whispered in reply.

“No disagreements.  Just making sure we’re on the same page.”  Dana was quiet for a while.  “You know your sister didn’t want to get pregnant.”

“Do you blame her?”

“No.  But that’s another story.”  She didn’t want to go on, but knew she’d have to.  “She let it slip that they didn’t bring gifts for their kids.  They couldn’t afford any.  She said we’d find out soon enough, anyway.”

There was a long silent pause.  

“You’re going shopping tomorrow, anyway.  Find out what they need,” Doug said.

Dana knew that would be his reaction.  That’s why she’d married him.  Disneyland could wait a year.  Maybe they could take a weekend trip to San Antonio.  Or maybe Michigan was their vacation this year.  She quietly got out of bed and scooted the night stand out of the way.  Then they pushed the twin beds from Doug’s boyhood together.

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