“Joaquin Despeada never had a chance,” some folks would argue when his name came up in the conversation. Some, particularly those who believed heavily in the concept of fatalism, said that Joaquin’s future was already sealed the moment he exited his mother’s womb at Fort Stockton Memorial Hospital and Animal Testing Facility.
When the idea of whether or not Joaquin ever had the power to change his future or not came up for discussion around the table at the Grounds for Divorce, Chad said, “Broadly, any view according to which human beings are powerless to do anything other than what they actually do can be described as fatalism. Included in this is the belief that all events are decided by fate and are outside human control, hence humans have no power to influence the future or indeed the outcome of their own thoughts and actions.”
We were all quite taken aback, Chad not normally being one who swims in the deep end of the philosophical pool. But then Lucinda looked behind the menu he was holding up and pointed out he was reading right from the Wikipedia page he’d pulled up on his smartphone.
What nobody could dispute was that Joaquin had made the poor choice to stick his hand through the open window of a car being driven by a woman who only wanted to take her son to school. In his hand was a chrome firearm that he’d purchased illegally by providing false information at the Eggs & Ammo convenience store over on Houston Street. The female driver, frightened by the sight of the weapon and wanting nothing more than to assure the safety of her son, quickly surrendered the vehicle, grabbing the boy out of the backseat.
Sliding into the driver’s seat, Joaquin was confronted with circumstances he hadn’t planned on and which eventually foiled his entire plan: a manual transmission. He attempted to fumble with the controls, none of which seemed to work as he expected. After moving only a few yards in a matter of minutes, Joaquin took off on foot. He was quickly apprehended by crack officers of the Fort Stockton Police Department who just happened to be seated at Glazed and Confused, the donut shop across the street.
Despite the best efforts of Sal Docket, the Pecos County Public Defender, the result of Joaquin’s first attempt at crime was a lengthy prison sentence for his botched efforts. While the food menu at the Governor William P. Clements Correctional Facility just outside Fort Stockton was better than anything he’d ever received at home, the shower facilities left him a changed man with an even worse overall attitude towards life.
Upon his release it was only a matter of time before he was once again back in the throes of poor decisions. Under the influence of the psilocybin mushrooms his mother had used in the King Ranch casserole she’d made to celebrate his release from prison, Joaquin attempted to rob the same Eggs & Ammo convenience store where he’d illegally purchased the firearm for his first crime. Not thinking it all the way through, he armed himself only with a Louisville Slugger before entering the store for the hold-up.
Cody Beckett, on duty at the Eggs & Ammo that night, was as much a fan of baseball as the next guy. He even had season tickets to the Mud Hens, the Triple A Frijole League team based here in Fort Stockton. So he was amused by the fact that Joaquin thought he could rob a store that sold firearms with something carved from a hunk of ash.
“I’m going to give you fair warning one time,” Cody told Joaquin. “Drop the bat, turn around and walk out. Otherwise, this will not end well for you.”
The mushrooms in the casserole seemingly affected both Joaquin’s ability to make good decisions as well as his motor skills. Rather than heeding Cody Beckett’s advice he took a step or two closer to the counter and began to raise the bat. Cody felt like he was watching a poorly written Claude Van Damme movie (pardon the redundancy) at half speed as Joaquin approached him.
Before he even knew what had happened, Joaquin found himself on the floor in front of the cash register, passed out colder than a brass toilet on the shady side of an iceberg. Cody Beckett had jumped over the Smith & Wesson display next to the dairy case, grabbed the Louisville Slugger, and hit Joaquin upside the head with it as though he was the last batter up and the game was tied in the bottom of the ninth.
When the police arrived the bat had been kicked over in front of the coolers that held local Texas-crafted beers and Cody Beckett was standing over a semi-conscious Joaquin Despeada with a loaded AR-15. Officers made quick work of cuffing Joaquin and doing a quick strip-search out in front of the gas pumps before loading him into the back of the Ford Galaxie squad car and hauling him in. Nadine Tomball, filling up her 1967 Olds Ninety-Eight with Ethyl, was so put off by the strip search that she had to reschedule her lunch date with Brother Bob from Second Baptist Church of Fort Stockton to discuss the Annual Youth Group Fundraiser. She bought a six-pack and a carton of Camels before dropping Ethyl off at her house and heading back home.
Sal Docket didn’t have a ghost of a chance defending Joaquin as a second offender. “Your best shot is to claim temporary insanity due to the mushrooms and hope for the best,” he explained to Joaquin. His mother would have none of that. He pled ‘not guilty,’ but Sal didn’t call any witnesses and it was pretty much a forgone conclusion that he’d be back in the welcoming arms of whomever happened to be in the showers at Governor William P. Clements Correctional Facility just outside Fort Stockton by the end of the week. And he was.
When the second arrest, trial, and conviction was discussed at the Grounds for Divorce, Rusty Hammer from the hardware store said, “When you consider the entire universe as a deterministic system that stresses the subjugation of all events, actions, and behaviors fate or destiny, which is commonly associated with the consequent attitude of resignation in the face of future events which are thought to be inevitable and outside of human control, no one should be surprised.” Lucinda just shook her head back and forth.
Three years into his sentence, Joaquin was as surprised as anyone when he found himself part of an early release program and back on the streets again. In response to a bill passed at the urging of the Attorney General to clear out the prisons of lesser offenders in order to make way for large numbers of migrants who had illegally voted. Joaquin Despeada, being a twice-convicted offender who had committed two crimes, each with a lethal weapon, didn’t qualify for the program. However, due to a snafu by the clerical staff at the Governor William P. Clements Correctional Facility, he found himself saying goodbye to his friends in the shower more quickly than expected.
As part of the terms of the early release, Joaquin was not to leave Pecos county. But, as he told folks at the Dairy Twin, “Rules were made to be broken.”
And that is how Joaquin came to be in front of the Prada store in Marfa when a 2018 Bentley Bentayga W12 Signature Edition pulled up in front. Having never seen a Bentayga before, he first thought it was a Pontiac Aztek, just as he’d seen on episodes of Breaking Bad on TV in the communal room in prison. That show had always been a favorite with the inmates.
Glancing in the window, Joaquin noted that the Bentayga had 38k miles and was powered by a twin-turbocharged 6.0-liter W12 linked with an eight-speed automatic transmission and an all-wheel-drive system. Finished in White Sand, the vehicle was equipped with the Touring Specification, adaptive LED headlights, a panoramic sunroof, an air suspension, and 22″ five-spoke alloy wheels. On the inside, passengers seemed to be provided with heated, ventilated, and massaging front seats trimmed in Magnolia leather. Additionally it was equipped with heated rear seats, a Bentley Signature Audio sound system, mood lighting, an Escort Max Ci 360 radar detector with rearview mirror display integration, and infotainment with an 8″ touchscreen, navigation, Apple CarPlay, and Bluetooth connectivity.
The heated, ventilated, and massaging front seats trimmed in Magnolia leather were particularly attractive to Joaquin, the time in the showers at Governor William P. Clements Correctional Facility having left their mark. The fact that the Bentley was equipped with an automatic transmission was probably the key factor in Joaquin’s decision to go all Grand Theft Auto. He enjoyed the adaptive LED headlights, a panoramic sunroof, fog lights, chrome mesh grilles, roof rails, an optional bright chrome lower grille, a rear spoiler, a rear window wiper, and front and rear parking sensors all the way back to Fort Stockton.
Chief Martin, performing his normal duties of patrolling the back parking lot of The Scuttlebutt Gentlemen’s Club for Mayor Goodman, noticed the 2018 Bentley Bentayga W12 Signature Edition right off. It’s not like these just roll into Fort Stockton on a daily basis. “Interior appointments include mood lighting, deep pile carpeted mats, a Bentley Signature Audio sound system, a veneered center console panel, and infotainment with an 8″ touchscreen, navigation, Apple CarPlay, and Bluetooth connectivity. An Escort Max Ci 360 radar detector has been installed and is integrated into the rearview mirror display,” he told Nelda on the police radio. Of course everything after “Interior appointments,” was lost due to the fact that Nelda
hasn’t been able to write that fast since her surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome.
Somehow, the thing still came back as stolen. Chief Martin went into The Scuttlebutt and the minute he saw Joaquin figured he’d found his perp.
And thus, Joaquin found himself arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced for the third time to the Governor William P. Clements Correctional Facility. Because Texas feels about crime the way baptists feel about drinking, a ‘three strikes’ law was implemented to keep habitual offenders in jail and away from the general public. For those convicted of three felonies, or ‘three strikes’, the prison sentencing they face will be much longer, from 15 or 25 to life. This keeps the streets safe of repeat offenders, although they are still able to serve in public office.
The future for Joaquin Despeada looked bleeker than a one-legged man in a butt- kicking contest.
10 responses to “BAD CHOICES MAKE GOOD STORIES, Part I”
I’ve probably made my share of questionable choices, but after too many examples have finally learned to avoid British, or formerly British automotive conveyances.
Now that I see formerly exceptional companies such as Porsche, Maserati, BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Cadillac, Buick and so many others pushing these Crossovers and calling them an SUV, I guffaw at the term. A Suburban is an SUV, not these overgrown, grossly overpriced egg-shaped hatchback hatchlings honed and horribly hackneyed, wholly and hellishly hopeless – devoid of unique appearance to the extreme that unless one tailgates to the point of being able to read the absurd alpha-numeric model designation, one can rarely differentiate between Porsche, Maserati, Jaguar, Bentley, Buick, Kia and Hyundai (oh, wait – there is no difference). Bucky Fuller – what have you wrought with your Dymaxion egg?
What ever happened to automotive style such as we note excelled in the 1930s, 1940s, 1950s?
Have I have become an anachronism, or was I predetermined to this view?
Either way, I can live with it, but-
as Max Shulman frequently interspersed, “I DIGRESS”!
Maybe I should seek Diogenes and use the lamp to search for for a politician without self-interest in the coming administration – maybe with Mayor Goodman’s administrative assistant as a guide.
Wishing all at the Round Table at GFD, and all who appreciate our Captain-My-Captain, the best life has to offer for the coming times.
I am, therefore I think:
The Bentley is Laura Loomer’s excu-rental. She was “shopping” in Marfa before pitching re-election campaign “ideas” to Mayor Goodman. Naturally her Prada custom “Brazilian” ran long. But, her destiny is to be at the Scuttlebutt for the campaign hook-up and her Bentley is the bat-signal for Mayor Goodman’s minion Martin. Joaquin intervened; again his fate and his destiny is in the showers. Kismet.
Just as Crash Davis is meant to be with Annie Savoy and, Jimmy is meant to be with Millie, everything will work itself out eventually; Ying and Yang. My question is, “Will there be a 1968 Shelby Mustang GT 350H convertible in the story?”
So, on the cusp of a New Year, I want to wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2025! Especially Chad, and my best wishes for the removal of the “Interim” moniker from his job title at the Piggly Wiggly.
So when he finally gets released he is gonna run to replace Mayor Goodman.
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
“Don’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia”
— Abraham Lincoln
Forget about all this fancy-pants psychology, deeper-meaning-of-life mumbo jumbo jargonistic stuff brought up by Chad and Rusty.
Or for that matter who cares about the sybaritic, overindulgent nature of the Bentley that The Capitán so ably describes.
No, what I need to understand is what the author meant when he wrote that “Chief Martin was patrolling the back parking lot of the Scuttlebutt…for Mayor Goodman.”
Does this mean the Chief was looking for the Mayor, perhaps in his car passed out with a smile on his jowly face with his pants around his ankles?
Or does it mean the Chief was following orders from the Mayor?
Or maybe both?
Inquiring minds want to know.
PS Is there a recipe for Sra. Despeada’s casserole? Asking for a friend.
Perhaps I should have said, “at the behest of Mayor Goodman”. Mayor Goodman does not continue to stay in office without the duplicity of other important, if not elected, officials.
I’m looking for that recipe. For the life of me, I can’t recall where I left it.
If there had been a “comma” after the word “Club, the meaning would be as the Captain says above: “at the behest of Mayor Goodman.”!
As a native of Decatur, Illinois ,not Decatur, Texas, I share the little-known first draft of a famous Lincoln quote which may explain the mayor’s political career -“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and they make a solid constituency.”
The Illinois state motto is ‘Where Governors are elected then convicted.’ Granted it sounds better in Latin.
This reply is going to you, but it should go to the “Story.”
I disagree about the comment about the “Deterministic” point of view.
It would have been possible that Joaquin might have had a different life if Sister (what’s her name) or Pastor (what’s his name) would have snatched him from the cradle as a birthling. But, that leaves us dangling with: “Oh, it was pre-determined!”
Isn’t it more pleasant to believe that we (collective humanity) can influence and change fate!
The birthling Joaquin is snatched, is raised to direct his talents, and becomes a super-star shortstop for the Fajita (or whatever) League, marrying the daughter of the senator from the Great State of Texas, giving birth to a future president.
But, my belief is that it is “Nature,” not “Nurture”!!!!
So – Three Strikes You’re Out – works, sadly!! There needs to be more prohibitive birth control!