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It’s been cold in Fort Stockton.  All of Texas, to be sure, but it seems like it’s especially cold here.  They had to move Mayor Goodman’s swearing-in inside the National Guard Armory, if that tells you anything.  That’s something folks swore would never happen, as the mayor loves him some quality time in front of the people from the back seat of the FS Executive Limo.  Normally it is only used for city-sanctioned events, or Hizzhonor would use it for every trip to the Piggly Wiggly and Dairy Twin he ever makes.

Jimmy Clyde, the mayor’s aide-de-camp who normally follows him around with ‘the football’ handcuffed to his wrist, had gotten The Stars & Bars out of the special garage the city pays to keep it in and waxed it and everything.  For the longest time citizens thought there were some kind of special secret city documents kept inside the briefcase called ‘The Football’.  Turns out it is actually a real football.  It’s the one thrown for what would have been the winning touchdown in the 1954 State Championship game when the mayor dropped the pass in the end zone that kept the Jim Bowie High School Fightin’ Knives from winning the game.  Why the mayor keeps it close by 24/7 only he can answer.  Some speculate it is because of the value it would bring to his political opponents, if they ever got a hold of it.  Or the eBay factor.

The Stars & Bars didn’t get used for the swearing in this year due to the temps in the teens and the parade through downtown Fort Stockton being canceled.  About half the population wanted the name of the mayoral limo changed anyway, what with the mayor’s preoccupation with celebrities, and the fact that he so narrowly skirted jail time.  “The Stars & Bars” just didn’t seem to be as patriotic as it had been when the Cadillac was first procured from Earl’s Salvage and Formalwear, cut in half, lengthened, and then repainted in something more fitting for an elected government official.

Anyway, turnout was very light for the ceremony.  I’m sure it was the bitter cold temperatures.

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The cold brought all the regulars into the Grounds for Divorce, just to keep warm.  Rex Hall, the pharmacist here in town, came in, sat down, and said, “It’s been so long since the wife and I have had a Rice Krispie Treat, I went jogging in flip-flops, just to remember what it sounded like.”  New Guy didn’t seem to get it.

Benard Marx mentioned, “I recently bought a toilet brush.”  We all wondered if there was more to the story or not.  Then he said, “Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper.”

Brother Bob came in.  We were all kind of surprised to see him, he’d been holed up in his study over at Second Baptist working on the invocation for the swearing-in for so long.  I guess the cold affects everybody, regardless of denomination.  As he sat down and Lucinda filled up his CMC cup with Folgers, he said “I finally got to see the doctor and showed him the rash on my butt cheeks.  He just kept pushing his cart through the Piggly Wiggly and completely ignored me.”

Chad was on break from his duties as Acting General Manager of the Piggly Wiggly.  He seemed to confirm the story with non-verbal communication.   Then, out of the blue, he said, “I wonder if the people who pay $300 for a colon cleanse even know about the $4.99 deal at Taco Bell.”  It made me look forward to warmer weather.

But the cold enabled me to spend a little more time on Bring a Trailer than I probably have in a while.  There wasn’t a car featured this week that inspired a new story.  But there were four of them that got my attention and made me say, “Hmmm.”

“This 1980 Chrysler Sno-Rabbit was reportedly hidden under original ownership in long-term storage in its factory crate to avoid a spousal dispute and was acquired by the seller in 2022,” the copy read for this one.  

It made me wonder just what the parties involved could have possibly done to each other that would make one of them so bitter that they would take measures to hide the thing in long term storage to be sure the other did not get it.  There is a story there that has to be better than any I could make up, though I’m not giving up on the idea just yet.

“This 1984 Cadillac Fleetwood Formal Limousine is said to have been purchased new by a United States congressman, passing to his grandchildren and a family friend before it was acquired by the selling dealer in 2024.”

I have so many questions.  Who was the congressman?  Why did he need a limo that was longer than Reagan’s?  Was it a classic case of ‘mine’s bigger than yours’? How does it only have 3,900 miles on it?  Was he not reelected and it sat in Washington, like The Stars & Stripes here in Fort Stockton?  “It was left to his grandchildren and a family friend?”  Did the kids have to arm wrestle the family friend for it?  How did that work?  Someone is going to get what has to be the lowest mileage 1984 Cadillac around, but not sure where they are going to be able to park it.

“This golf cart was modified under previous ownership to resemble the fictional Canopysaurus Flintmobile from the series The Flintstones, and it was purchased by the seller in December 2024. It features faux wood and stone structures assembled with composite materials and is powered by an electric motor. Equipment includes forward and reverse settings, a canopy, two rows of bench seating, overhead auxiliary lights, and brake lights.”

Okay, I’ll give you this is a pretty darned good replica.  Great attention to detail.  I couldn’t get through all the comments because I could only read so many puns (and I’m a fan of the pun).  But I have to wonder.  This thing went for 20 grand, and is basically just kind of a gag.  Once everyone has seen it the first time, is this something you’re still going to want to be driving to the 19th hole at the Fort Stockton Country Club and Gun Range over and over again?  Call me crazy….

“This 1986 Pontiac Bonneville was purchased new at Bohn Pontiac of Westminster, Maryland, and spent time with a single owner until mid-2024, when the owner of Bohn Pontiac, Steve Bohn, purchased the car. The seller acquired the car in October 2024, and subsequent work consisted of applying a ceramic coating to the paint and replacing the alternator, heater core, and drive belts. The car is finished in silver over gray cloth upholstery and powered by a 3.8-liter V6 paired with a three-speed automatic transmission. Features include a gray vinyl carriage top, 14″ turbo-finned wheels, power front disc brakes, air conditioning, cruise control, and a rear defogger.”

And then there’s this.  I submit for your consideration that there may be no better example on Bring a Trailer, or anywhere else, of what went wrong with General Motors, and why they eventually went bankrupt.  I can see the meeting at World Headquarters where they are looking at the lineups in the mid-80s and seeing how the import brands they laughed at years before had suddenly captured 30% of the market.

“Here’s what we’ll do, boys.  We’ll take a Chevy Malibu (a mediocre car that was thrust on the buying public in 1978), slap a Pontiac grill on the front, different taillights on the back, and call it a Pontiac Bonneville!”  Top Brass was proud of the creative nature of their decision.

“Don’t you think people will notice?  I mean the Pontiac Bonneville has a storied reputation going back to 1957 of some damn fine cars,” someone less senior might have noted.

“By God I’ve been in this business since before you stopped crappin’ your diaper!  I know what the American buyer wants, and just how gullible they are when we give it to ‘em.  We’ll be cranking these padded vinyl-topped, velour and plastic wood sedans out by the thousands and we’ll be getting bonuses on every single one of them!”

By 2007, the import brands had over 50% of the market.  By 2010, the government had taken over GM and Chrysler.  The executives that dreamed up the mid-80s “Bonneville” still got their bonuses.

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So anyway.  

I sent off for a pair of 4″ “Peep Mirrors” for the Fairlane 500. These are old school outside rear-view mirrors that actually have a bracket with sets screws so they can be attached to the door frame without drilling any holes in the car. (I never knew that’s what they were called, and felt a little guilty ordering them, hoping Buttercup didn’t see the invoice.) It dawned on me as I was installing them that in 1960 American automobile manufacturers saw fit to be sure there was an ash tray for BOTH front and rear seat passengers on even the base model cars, but did not see fit to be sure the driver could see beside or behind him. Maybe they figured he wouldn’t be able to make out whatever was in the mirrors anyway, what with the cabin being filled with cigarette smoke and all.

So I can now safely back out of the garage and down the driveway and no longer take out any landscaping features while doing so. And then, once on the road, light up a Lucky Strike up front and pass one to Mila in the backseat, and we’ll both have an ashtray. There’s nothing worse than ashes on your little pink car seat.

A full Seven Chapter Series starts tomorrow.  The theme is Lawsuits and Verdicts and has something for everyone.  Or nearly everyone.  Some people just can’t be pleased.  But for everyone else, it should be an interesting week.

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In closing, remember the results of a recent study Lucinda shared with us as we huddled around the table, shivering every time someone opened the front door.  

She noted, “Ten percent of women think their ass is too skinny.  Thirty percent of women think their ass is too fat.  Sixty percent of women say they don’t care.  They love him just like he is and wouldn’t trade him for the world.”

Have a good week,

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