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The first of seven chapters that will run all week.

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It didn’t take long for the festive mood to pack up and leave town.  

I mean Mavis over at the DMV, whose job it is to go over to the Paisano Pete Statue that welcomes folks to town and strip off all the Christmas garb hadn’t even done it yet.  The nativity scene over at Second Baptist Church of Fort Stockton was still up, even though the hay bales that served as a wind block to keep the baby Jesus from blowing across the parking lot had been determined to be a fire hazard by the Fire Marshall.

In other words, the Christmas memories were still fresh when, out of nowhere, there seemed to be a path to the courthouse for people filing suit against one another.  So much for “Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All.”

“People are in a rush to get their suits filed before Mayor Goodman is sworn in again,” Lucinda speculated.  “God knows what will happen after that abomination takes place.”

I don’t know about all that.  But there was no denying it must have been a full moon or some damn thing to have so much legality taking place in town all at once.  It’s like Perry Mason had moved into town and taken up residence in the Cattle Baron Hotel.  But enough with the pre-story drama.  I suppose the best place to start is with the first case, and a little background before that.

It’s no small secret that Chad and Prudence have had their ups and downs.  You could say that theirs has been no more volatile of a marriage than any other millennial couple, perhaps.  But the last year has not been as smooth sailing as they had hoped.  Was some of it their own doing?  No question.  But then, they were also dealt some cards that may have been a tough hand to play.

Even before their troubles last February, well documented in CHAD’S BAD WEEK, there had been strains in the relationship.  As much as those around the big roundtable, with the benefit of the wisdom of their years, had tried to convince Chad to not purchase more home than they needed, he and Prudence went for one of the big McMansions out in MorningWood Estates and the mortgage that went with it.

“You don’t really need a theater room with Dolby surround sound and pleather theater seating for sixteen people,” Rex tried to tell him over breakfast one morning.  “It’s pretty much just you and Prudence watching The Bachelor most of the time.”  But that wasn’t what Chad wanted to hear, what with most of the people in their friend group already having a place out in MorningWood and homes with all the bells and whistles.  Peer pressure can be a dangerous thing; keeping up with the Joneses is a fraught endeavor.

Of course, they found out shortly afterwards that in order for their home to look like the model home they’d toured, drapes, furniture, and designer touches all came with a price.  That price maxed out a couple credit cards.  In the meantime, Chad was certain that his position as Interim Manager of the Piggly Wiggly would be made permanent.  More income would help offset the choking debt.  

And then Prudence’s Honda Accord crapped the bed out in the parking lot of the K-Bob’s when they’d gone out to eat after services at Almost United Methodist.  Ironically, Pastor Peterson’s sermon had been on the concept of “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”  What he had taken away was the means of Chad’s family to get home.

The Accord was deemed too old and far gone to spend the money on for repairs, although Chad never shared that math with anyone at the Grounds for Divorce.  “Prudence says she’d really like one of those new BMW SUVs,” he said.  Most of us around the table were thinking the same thing, but only Rusty was bold enough to say it.

“Have you lost your effin’ mind?  You know what one of those costs?  Just the damn maintenance and insurance would choke a damn horse!  Aren’t you already up to your needy little eyeballs in debt?”  Rusty had many gifts.  Subtlety was not one of them.

The next time we saw Chad he’d gone to Odessa to see the BMW dealer.  “I couldn’t get financed for a new one.  Got the next best thing,” Chad said.  He was actually excited about it.  And, when he drove it to the GFD the next time we saw him, it seemed to be a darn nice car.  

It was a 2001 BMW X5 4.4i with only 14,000 original miles on it.  It was appointed with the Sport Package, which added 19″ Style 63 alloy wheels, a self-leveling rear suspension, a sport steering wheel, and front sport seats. It was finished in Pearl Beige Metallic over Pastel Green Montana leather, and power was supplied by a 4.4-liter V8 that drives all four wheels through a five-speed automatic transmission. Additional equipment included xenon headlights, roof rails, a sunroof, Park Distance Control, and dual-zone automatic climate control.  Following a recent trend in Chad’s purchases, it had all the bells and whistles, and was purchased on credit.

Out in the parking lot, he told Rusty, “It’s equipped with a self-leveling rear suspension as a part of the Sport Package as well as Dynamic Stability Control (DSC), All-Season Traction Control (AST), and Hill Descent Control. Stopping power is provided by disc brakes at each corner.”  Rusty just walked away, shaking his head.

“The power-adjustable front sport seats are upholstered in Pastel Green Montana leather that extends to the split-folding rear bench and door panels. Interior amenities include wood trim, a cassette stereo, auto-dimming mirrors, rear window sunshades, cruise control, and dual-zone automatic climate control,” he said to Lucinda.

“But, it’s a 24 year old car, right?” she replied.

“It’s not the age, it’s the mileage,” he told her.  “Plus, it only cost me 30 grand and I was able to get 72 month financing through the dealer.”  Lucinda congratulated him, then went back into the cafe, stalking her head.

Prudence was tickled pink with the purchase and couldn’t wait to show it off to all her friends in the neighborhood.  She also couldn’t wait to show Chad her gratitude.

The second way she showed Chad her gratitude for the new old BMW was to take the kids to her mother’s for the weekend.  On Saturday afternoon they drove the BMW X5 out to Lake Leon.  Prudence insisted he drive the pristine SUV to the far end of the lake for ‘more privacy’.  Parked underneath some scrub oaks and behind some overgrown brush, she presented him with a gift of his own, a Polaroid camera she’d bought from Amazon.

“I didn’t know they even still made these!” he laughed as he opened the box and loaded it with film.  Prudence, quickly disrobing on the Pastel Green Montana leather seat beside him, exited the cabin of the Beemer and motioned him to follow.  “Bring the camera!” she shouted as she headed toward the edge of the lake.

What followed was an afternoon that left Prudence sunburned, Chad sore, and the center console stuffed with a stack of Polaroid explicit pictures of Prudence posing pornographically in the lake, wrapped around the scrub oak, and posing with the wood grained five-speed automatic transmission gearshift in ways that German engineers had never even thought of.  There were a few selfies included in the collection, showing Chad engaged in reciprocal gratitude, xenon headlights, fog lights, Park Distance Control, roof rails, black chrome exhaust tips, and a split tailgate all barely visible in the background.  But the spread mostly featured Prudence, showcasing her own Dynamic Stability Control (DSC) and All-Season Traction Control (AST).

And that was that.  Until it wasn’t.

Chad forgot about the pictures.  A month or two later, when the new old BMW looked more like a used car, with cracker crumbs all over the back end and two crusty child seats strapped into the rear seat, he drove the car over to the Tiny Bubbles car wash to be detailed.  He walked over to the Glazed & Confused Donuts Shop next door while the staff of Tiny Bubbles worked on the car.

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While detailing the interior of the car, Liam Lancaster went through the console between the front bucket seats and came across the stack of Polaroids. To say he was impressed would have been an understatement.  What happened next will be detailed in the lawsuit, but can’t be denied.  Liam took screenshots of all the photos.  That, in and of itself, would have been a problem.  But so impressed was Liam with his discovery that he texted them to several of his friends at Jim Bowie High School, “Home of the Fighting’ Knives”.

And that’s where things took an even darker turn.

Within a few days, friends were calling Prudence with some disturbing facts.  Women were waiting in line for whatever register Chad happened to be filling-in at when there were other registers open with no wait at all.  Trixie from the Klip-N-Dye even made some snide remark about the “wood package” in the photoshoot being more impressive on the outside shots than those featuring the interior.  Male students from JBH would drive through MorningWood Estates hoping to catch Prudence in the front yard or the driveway, hold their phones out the window and honking.

“How could you leave those in the car?” Prudence shouted at Chad.  “The whole idea of buying the Polaroid camera was to keep the personal photos from ever being leaked online!”

“I forgot!” Chad yelled back.  “YOU could have brought them in just as easily as I could!”  But the damage was done.  Things were awkward at Church.  It became a touchy subject at the Grounds for Divorce, especially when New Guy held up his phone and had the whole photoshoot in a file named PRUDENCE.

Eventually, Chad and his wife went to see Franklin Danbury, Jr. at his office on the square, across from the courthouse.  “Of course you’ve got a case.  Against Liam Lancaster, and Tiny Bubbles.  It’s clearly a violation of your privacy and unlawful distribution of images.  You stand a good chance of winning.  We’ll see how deep their pockets are.”

Chad and Prudence felt a small sense of relief.

“Of course, I’m going to have to review the evidence, and much of it may be on display for the jury throughout the trial.”  Danbury was wanting them to be sure they knew what they were in for.

Prudence wished she’d have never followed through on her idea of buying the Polaroid camera and taking Chad to the lake that afternoon.  Chad wished he’d spent a little more time at the gym last year and maybe lost that extra ten pounds he’d been carrying.

As the couple left Danbury’s office, preparing themselves for the journey that lay ahead, they bumped into Rusty Hammer waiting in the reception area.

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