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In a major development, the Captain My Captain blog has partnered with the biggest movie critic here in Fort Stockton to offer a new feature for regular readers (not that many of you would define yourself as ‘regular’).

We will begin offering movie reviews of current and past films (mostly past) based solely on the quality of classic cars presented on the Big Screen.  Knowing this job was bigger than anything I might be able to handle, I enlisted the services of Jimmy Don Ventura, movie critic of the Stockton Telegram-Dispatch, to actually write these pieces.  Besides being more skilled in that particular narrative and better established in the film industry, Jimmy Don brings to the table three semesters in Film Studies at UT Austin.  He actually sat behind Matthew McConaughey for one class, so I don’t think it’s going too far to call him a Hollywood insider.

Responding to the third offer I was able to make, Jimmy Don responded, “Alright, alright, alright!” showing both his skills at negotiation and his close relationship with McConaughey.  Jimmy Don hinted at the fact that he may have spent some windshield time next to his old classmate in the front seat of a new Lincoln while filming commercials for the struggling American luxury brand.  “The first rule of Fight Club,” Jimmy Don said, “is we don’t talk about Fight Club.”

I was immediately impressed with Jimmy Don’s vast knowledge of how Hollywood works, though I didn’t remember McConaughey having a role in that particular movie.  The fact that I knew Jimmy Don and Lucinda were A Thing for a while several years back went a long way in cinching the deal.  I figured any insights from the experience that he could weave into his reviews might give them a titillating aspect that none of the other candidates could provide.

Well, to be honest, there were no other candidates.  But I think you see my point.  It’s not like Fort Stockton has a bevy of qualified film critics standing in line at the Piggly Wiggly to choose from.  Jimmy Don Ventura is the only one in town.  But we were lucky to get him, anyway.

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“The whole premise is this,” I explained when we met at the Grounds for Divorce for the initial interview.  “The cars are the stars.  Sure, you can mention the actors’ performances and relevant directors and what have you.  But the CMC blog is auto-intensive.  That’s where your focus needs to be.  Readers want the skinny on the cars in the movie.  How do they figure into the plot?  What made the director choose that particular model?  How do the cars in each scene advance the plot?  You see where I’m going with this?”

“I’m smelling what you’re cooking,” Jimmy Don said.  About that time Lucinda came over with a fresh pot of Folgers.  There still seemed to be some chemistry between the two of them.  I detected some sexual tension.  I attempted to fight through that aspect of the meeting.

“Every movie review will wind up with a rating on a scale of 1 to 10, based completely on the automotive aspects of the film,” I said.

“Ten being the highest?” Jimmy Don asked.  I questioned just for a moment whether he was the right choice for the position.  But then, I’ve already mentioned the number of film critics who reside in Fort Stockton.  And there was the McConaughey factor.  “Yeah, Ten is the Top Score.”

I couldn’t really pin Jimmy Don down on the exact number of reviews he could provide.  “Let’s just see how it goes,” he said.

Likewise, I couldn’t commit to the rate I’d be able to pay per review.  “We’ll see how the readership responds,” I hem-hawed.  

It looked like Lucinda had unbuttoned one or two of the buttons on her blouse next time she came by, which distracted Jimmy Don and enabled me to skirt any other financial issues for the time being. I think he suspected the new view had something to do with her wanting to rekindle whatever relationship they may have once had. In reality, I was sure it had a lot more to do with Delgado being back in the kitchen. And elsewhere.

“I’m not going to lie,” Jimmy Don said when he was finally able to refocus.  “If there are any boobs in the movie, it’s going to get a higher rating.”  Lucinda must’ve reminded him of that particular caveat.  I thought of the readership of the blog and figured that would not be a sticking point.  “I’ll give you complete editorial freedom,” I said.  Jimmy Don nodded smugly.  “But that level of independence might have an adverse effect on your rate per review,” I said.  “Editorial freedom isn’t free.”  He was watching Lucinda walk away and nodded again, probably not even realizing what he’d just agreed to.  I went over to Franklin Danbury, Jr.’s office across the square from the GFD and had him draw up an agreement while the details were still fresh on my mind.

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Disclaimer:  Franklin Danbury, Jr. handles all of the legal work for the blog pro bono in return for a free subscription.  I’m not sure that he has ever actually read any of the stories, him being from the generation that thinks a Honda Civic is the apex of automotive styling.  But then again, he may read every morning’s story with the same level of anticipation many of you do, but with an eye towards having to defend any of the contents in a court of law at the Pecos County Courthouse before a jury of my alleged peers.

Looking out from the second floor window of Danbury’s office, I saw the only other customer pay his tab and leave.  Then Jimmy Don. Lucinda followed him to the front door, flipped the sign from, OPEN to CLOSED and then went back to the kitchen.  A strange turn of events for a Thursday morning.  I”m sure Delgado and Lucinda being A Thing again is good for both of them. I’m not sure how good it is for business at the Grounds for Divorce.

Anyway, a new chapter in the CMC blog starts tomorrow with Jimmy Don Ventura’s very first automotive movie review of North by Northwest.

We’ll see how it goes.

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Jimmy Don Ventura, new Movie Critic for the CMC Blog.

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