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I wandered into the Rusty Hammer Hardware Store today to get one of those new bulbs that turns itself on when you walk into the room.  Had to ask Rusty where they were.  “Aisle 7,  top shelf.  About half way down.  I got one of those for the wife for Christmas.  You should have seen her face light up the first time she walked into the kitchen.”

Wasn’t prepared for the debate that was taking place up at the register once I made my way over to pay.  The latest edition of the Stockton Telegram-Dispatch was open on the counter and Hairless B29, Pastor Peterson from the Almost United Methodist Church, Chad, Rex Hall from the drug store, and New Guy were debating the article on page 3 titled ‘The Greatest Tools in the History of the World’.  New Guy made a strong argument that the carpenter’s pencil (aisle 3) should be on the list.  I have to admit, he had a point.

Hairless B29, ironically enough, took a stand that the speed square (aisle 12) was what enabled the Egyptians to construct the pyramids and should be near the top of the list.  Tough to dispute.  Brother Bob from Second Baptist Church breezed by and whispered “The Plum Bob.  Bible proves it.  Isaiah 28:16-17, ‘God will make justice the line, and righteousness the plummet’.”  He was in a hurry and didn’t stick around to see everyone roll their eyes.

Chad and Rex went back and forth on whether the reciprocating saw should be on the list and even went down aisle 2 to look at one close up.  That ended up being a mistake.  They got sidetracked at the orbital multitool and went round and round arguing its inclusion.

“Paslode 30 Degree Power Master is what built the suburbs after Dubya Dubya Deuce,” Sister Thelma said when he walked in and heard the debate.  “Tract homes wouldn’t have been possible without it.”  The group had to admit he might have nailed it with that one.  Rusty didn’t hesitate to tell everyone they were on sale over on aisle 9.

“I’m partial to the hammer as the greatest tool of all time,” Rusty said.  No surprise.

That’s when Lucinda walked in, with a smile on her face as always.  “Mornin’ boys!” she shouted.  “How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“No idea,” Rusty said.

“Only two.  But gettin’ ‘em the damn thing is the hard part!”  With that she disappeared around the corner on aisle 6 to pick up coffee filters for the Grounds for Divorce.

Mrs. Goodman, the mayor’s wife, walked through the front door and asked why the crowd was gathered.  When Rusty explained they were debating the greatest tool ever created, she put her hand up to quiet the crowd.  “There can only be one answer,” she said.  Everyone was expecting her to admit it was her husband.  “The needle.  Been around 27,000 years and you’d all be buck naked without it.”

That silenced everyone, as they imagined themselves all standing around in their birthday suits.

Needing to check out, I pulled up this 1966 Dodge Dart 2-Door Sedan on my iPhone and slowly made a circle showing it to everyone gathered around the old wooden counter.   “Dodge Dart,” I said.  “Don’t care what anybody says.  THIS is the greatest tool ever made.  If the Egyptians would a had a couple Slant-Six Dodge Dart Sedans, there’d be twelve pyramids still standing in Giza, instead of three.  It could haul all the other tools you named in the trunk.  And it’s handsome enough if you were standing beside it naked, nobody’d be looking at you, anyway.”

Nobody could argue that. 

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