STORIES

CONTINENTAL KIT, FASTEST GUMS IN THE WEST


In Fort Stockton, the truth never stood a chance once Continental Kit rolled into the Dairy Twin.

He wasn’t born with the name. No, sir. The county records still listed him as Leonard Carson, but somewhere between the Eisenhower administration and the third week of Nixon, folks quit calling him anything but Continental Kit. The name stuck faster than a bug on a windshield in July. Why? Because he drove a 1959 Lincoln Continental Mark IV Hardtop Sedan the color of an old penny and twice as heavy.

That car was a ship. Copper paint catching sun like a campfire, beige and brown interior spread wide like a cowboy’s saddle blanket. Under the hood, a 430-cubic-inch V8 that could outrun every fact Kit ever bent out of shape—which was plenty. There was free play in the steering, but not nearly as much as in his allegedly true tales. It had canted quad headlights, reverse-rake C-pillars, fender skirts, and a breezeway rear window that rolled down like it was sighing. Power everything, including the lies.

Kit claimed it was one of only 6,146 ever made, and that his came from a Chicago diplomat who’d traded it for a hot-air balloon and a Peruvian mistress. He said things like that with a face so straight you could use it to hang drywall.

He mostly haunted Barnaby’s Barber Shop, despite the fact he cut his own hair with a pair of folding scissors and a hand mirror. He’d lean back in one of the cracked vinyl chairs with yesterday’s Telegram-Dispatch folded on his lap like it still had something worth reading, sipping Dr Pepper from a glass bottle, polishing the hood ornament with the kind of tenderness other men saved for christenings or cougars.

Barnaby tolerated him the way a dog tolerates a gnat—with infinite weariness and the occasional low growl. “You know damn well I got customers, Kit.”

“Ain’t stopped me yet,” Kit would say, feet up on the old knotty alder coffee table like he owned shares in it.

Once Barnaby’s patience thinned past repair, Kit would relocate operations to the Dairy Twin. He’d ease the big ol’ hardtop sedan into a spot half on the curb, engine rumbling like a hungover bear, and shuffle over to the walk-up window where Nellie worked the register and knew better than to ask if he wanted sprinkles.

The ladies from Second Baptist had a Book Club on Wednesdays, but if Kit was holding court, they’d find reasons to skip. Nellie called them the “Amen Corner,” but not for anything holy. Pearl Pharr, who should’ve been banned from driving after the Rusty Hammer incident, would show up in her 2008 Grand Marquis, park sideways across two spots, and settle in with a scoop of butter pecan and a hunger for scandal.

Kit would stand there, dusty boots planted wide, voice pitched low and dangerous, telling stories that drifted somewhere between pulp novel and divine vision. Love under the stairs in the Davis Mountains. Moonshine runners who doubled as marriage counselors. Men who knew how to please a woman before rolling over and falling asleep—”unlike poor Percival,” Pearl once muttered, clutching her spoon like a weapon.

He swore he once got lost on his way to Marfa and ended up at a secret government base where he played gin rummy with a lizard man named Carl who smoked unfiltered Camels and worked in acquisitions. Said the only reason he got out alive was because Carl owed him thirty-seven cents and had a soft spot for Johnny Horton.

The Book Club ladies ate it up like communion wafers. Even Nellie leaned on the milkshake machine when he got going.  For a little too long, some would say.

“He ever tell you how he got that car?” one woman whispered to another.

“Six different ways,” came the reply. “All of ’em involve nudity and at least one Russian.”

Rumor had it Kit started as a reporter for the Stockton Telegram-Dispatch back when ink was still made from crushed dreams and misappropriated facts. There was no proof, of course. Kit said his bylines were scrubbed clean after he broke a story on uranium beneath the tennis courts behind the Jim Bowie High, and the Rotary Club had him blackballed. Barnaby said that was the dumbest thing he ever heard, and this was a man who once cut his own ear with a pair of Wahl clippers trying to even out his sideburns.

Still, Kit had a way with the spoken word, and more than one woman in town had said, not without a little shame, that if they were thirty years younger, maybe even twenty, they might’ve climbed into that Lincoln and let it take them wherever lies go to bloom.

His car was just as legendary. The interior smelled like dust and aftershave, with upholstery that looked like it had soaked up every one of his stories and was holding them like secrets. The remote-adjustable mirror had stopped working in the Carter years. The breezeway window worked, but only if you asked nice and jiggled the switch. The Travel Tuner AM radio crackled to life every time he hit a bump, usually playing something mournful and steel-guitar-heavy.

One summer night, he claimed to have driven all the way to Marfa without touching the steering wheel, just letting the wind guide him and the car listen to his soul. Pearl said she could believe it.

“That car’s got more personality than my second husband,” she said.

“Your second husband died at a cockfight in Mexico,” someone reminded her.

“Exactly.”

Kit didn’t charge for his stories, but if you brought him a butterscotch malt or a fresh copy of the Enquirer, you’d be rewarded with the kind of tale that made the line cooks at the Dairy Twin stop flipping burgers just to hear how it ended.

He didn’t own a TV. He said the reruns in his head were better. No wife, no kids that anyone could confirm, though a waitress in Alpine once claimed her daughter had his eyes and the same suspicious relationship with facts.

Every once in a while, he’d vanish for a day or two, the Lincoln gone from its usual spot like a church pew missing a Bible. Folks said he went to Marfa to commune with desert spirits, or maybe to see Carl the lizard man again. He always came back, stories a little juicier, the copper Lincoln a little dustier.

It wasn’t so much that Kit lied—it’s that he rearranged reality into a better shape. Like putting flowers in a boot and calling it a vase. Was it the truth? Maybe. Did it matter? Not one bit.

As long as that Lincoln rumbled through town, with Kit at the wheel and a story hanging off his lips like a Swisher Sweet, Fort Stockton had something better than the truth.

It had Continental Kit.

And hell, that was enough.



One response to “CONTINENTAL KIT, FASTEST GUMS IN THE WEST”

  1. “…not without a little shame…”

    Well, Captain, this phrase makes me feel like a guest at Bilbo Baggins’ Birthday Party, puzzling over his “”I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve” line.

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