STORIES

SHIFTS & GIGGLES


The Burgundy Pearl sedan sat alone beneath the fluorescent lights of the General Motors Executive Garage, looking less like an invading army than a car somebody’s dentist might have driven to a Rotary Club luncheon. It had no towering grille, no hood ornament, no landau bars, no padded roof, no wire wheel covers, no gold-plated wreaths, no opera lamps, and none of the other ceremonial jewelry by which Cadillac had spent most of the twentieth century reassuring prosperous Americans that they had successfully escaped whatever neighborhood they were born in.

It was, in fact, remarkably plain.

This delighted the Cadillac Leadership Team.

They had assembled in the garage shortly after eight on a damp September morning in 1990, having sent the executive secretary out two days earlier with an envelope of cash, a dealership address, and instructions not to tell anyone at Lexus who was buying the car. Nobody involved believed the secrecy was strictly necessary. Lexus representatives would presumably have been honored to learn that Cadillac executives wished to study their new LS 400. But secrecy made the operation feel strategic, and strategy was highly valued at General Motors, particularly when it involved an envelope of money and somebody else doing the driving.

The executive secretary had returned from the dealership with the car, a folder full of paperwork, and the faintly unsettled expression of a woman who had expected to be treated like a customer purchasing an expensive automobile but had instead been treated like visiting royalty. She had mentioned the spotless showroom, the fresh flowers, the salesperson who knew how every control worked, and the cup of coffee served in an actual porcelain cup.



Nobody had written any of that down.

They had written down the price.

Thirty-five thousand dollars.

That figure had been underlined twice on the briefing sheet.

The group entered the garage in a loose procession of dark suits, striped ties, polished shoes, and carefully managed skepticism. Most were men in their late fifties or early sixties, though several had already crossed the invisible threshold where gray hair became white and a corporate title became less a job than a form of nobility. They had grown up inside General Motors during the long, golden age when market share could be discussed in whole fractions of the country, when a Cadillac salesman did not so much sell an automobile as confirm a social elevation already decided elsewhere.

At the rear of the group walked thirty-eight-year-old Clay Mercer, recently promoted from regional product planning and still young enough to carry his own legal pad. Clay had been raised in Fort Stockton, Texas, where his father had operated a Gulf station on Dickinson Boulevard and believed there were only two legitimate reasons to open the hood of an automobile: either something had broken, or somebody was lying about what was underneath it.

Clay had been at Cadillac headquarters for eleven months.

This was long enough to understand that speaking first was dangerous, speaking last was nearly as dangerous, and remaining silent was often interpreted as wisdom.

The senior vice president of Cadillac stopped several feet from the Lexus and folded his arms.

“Well,” he said, “there it is.”

The others arranged themselves around him.

The Lexus LS 400 waited without comment.

Its Burgundy Pearl paint had a deep wine-colored richness beneath the garage lights, while the ivory leather visible through the windows gave the cabin a clean, restrained appearance. The car rode on chrome fifteen-inch alloy wheels fitted with Goodyear Reliant All-Season tires. The bumpers were painted to match the body. The glass sat nearly flush with the surrounding surfaces. The trim was narrow, the grille modest, and the entire automobile seemed determined not to interrupt anyone’s breakfast.

The vice president of design walked slowly along the driver’s side, leaning forward as though inspecting a refrigerator that had arrived with a dent.

“Where are the whitewalls?” he asked.

One of the marketing executives checked the briefing sheet. “I heard they aren’t even an option.”

Several men laughed.

“You’re joking.”

“No whitewalls.”

“At thirty-five thousand dollars?”

“That’s what it says.”

The design vice president shook his head with the grave disappointment of a physician confirming an avoidable illness. “The thing looks like a bar of soap that has been in the shower for three days.”

A product manager standing beside him nodded. “No style. Not even the hint of a fin on the back.”

“Almost no chrome,” another observed.

“Painted bumpers,” said the finance man. “That is never going to fly.”



They moved closer, increasingly animated by the discovery that the supposed Japanese threat had arrived without any of the features Cadillac had spent decades teaching Americans to expect from an expensive automobile.

One executive crouched beside the front wheel and examined the tire.

“Goodyears,” he said. “At least they bought American rubber.”

“That may be the only thing on it Americans understand.”

The senior vice president smiled. “Let’s not prejudge it.”

This was the sort of sentence senior vice presidents used immediately before prejudging something in detail.

They began with the exterior.

The Lexus measured substantially less than a traditional Cadillac sedan, and although its proportions were balanced, it did not possess the long hood, expansive rear deck, or sheer acreage the group associated with success. It looked trim, deliberate, and almost athletic. To the assembled Cadillac executives, these were not compliments.

“Look at the size of the thing,” said the head of dealer relations. “They aim to compete with Cadillac with what looks like a mid-sized Corolla? How stupid do they think the American car-buying public is?”

“People paying luxury money expect luxury size.”

“Exactly.”

“You don’t spend thirty-five thousand dollars to park easily.”

“Half the point of owning an expensive car is making everybody else wait while you maneuver it.”

That produced a satisfying burst of laughter.

Clay Mercer wrote nothing on his legal pad.

He looked down the side of the Lexus instead. The body panels aligned with a precision he was accustomed to seeing on show cars but not always on vehicles delivered to retail customers. The gaps around the doors were narrow and consistent. The Burgundy Pearl paint appeared deep enough to reach into with a spoon. Even beneath the harsh garage lighting, he could find no obvious orange peel, dust nibs, overspray, or wavering reflections.

The head of manufacturing noticed him looking.

“Find something interesting, Mercer?”

Clay glanced up. “Just looking at the panel fit.”

“What about it?”

“It’s good.”

The manufacturing executive leaned toward the rear door, examined the seam, then straightened. “It ought to be good. It’s brand-new.”

The matter was settled.

They continued around the car.

“No fender skirts,” said one.

“No vinyl roof.”

“No faux wire wheel covers.”

“No hood ornament.”

“No opera windows.”

“No cladding.”

The head of marketing spread his hands. “What the hell do they think luxury even means?”

“Maybe if they were to put on a faux convertible roof and some gold badging, they could dress it up enough for some folks.”

“They could offer a dealer-installed package.”

“Exactly. Give the dealers something to work with.”

“What would you call it?”

“The Imperial Gold Edition.”

“That sounds expensive.”

“It doesn’t have to be expensive. It only has to sound expensive.”

The men laughed again, and Clay found himself imagining the Lexus wearing a padded burgundy half-roof, gold pinstripes, fake wire wheels, and a brass plaque on the glovebox announcing that it was one of several thousand individually numbered commemorative editions. Somewhere in Fort Stockton, Earl at Earl’s Salvage Yard and Formalwear would have admired the profit margin.

The vice president opened the driver’s door.

The group grew quiet.

The door moved easily, then stopped at its detent with a solid, muffled precision. There was no metallic twang, no shake through the window glass, no echo from the hollow interior of the panel. It shut with a deep, compact sound that resembled a vault door closing in a distant room.

Several men looked at one another.

The head of public relations broke the silence.

“Door’s heavy.”

That gave them something familiar to agree upon.

“Yes.”

“Probably overbuilt.”

“Extra weight hurts fuel economy.”

“Customers don’t buy luxury cars for fuel economy.”

“Then there’s no reason for it to be that small.”



The vice president opened the door again and slid behind the wheel. The power-adjustable front seat moved silently beneath him. He pressed another switch and changed the seatback angle, then raised the cushion and moved it rearward.

“Bucket seats up front?” he said. “Really?”

The others peered into the cabin.

“A luxury car that only holds five people?” said the dealer-relations executive. “Did they do any market research?”

“Where does your wife sit when you take the children and your mother-in-law to church?”

“In another car, hopefully.”

That earned the morning’s largest laugh.

They began opening the other doors and examining the ivory leather upholstery. The front seats were broad without appearing overstuffed, and the rear compartment offered generous legroom despite the car’s moderate exterior dimensions. Ivory leather covered the seating surfaces, while the lower dashboard, center console, carpeting, and door panels were color-coordinated in shades of beige and taupe. The upper dashboard was darker to reduce windshield glare. A restrained strip of woodgrain occupied part of the console.

The head of interior design ran his hand across the passenger seat.

“Is there a tufted velour option interior,” he asked, “or is this sea of beige leather all they have to offer?”

“Leather is standard on this one.”

“No buttons?”

“No.”

“No pillow-top seating?”

“No.”

“No loose cushions?”

“Apparently not.”

He pressed the seat with two fingers. “Firm.”

“Europeans like firm seats.”

“They also like warm beer.”

The group accepted this as further evidence.

One of the executives leaned into the driver’s compartment and stared at the instrument panel.

“That dash,” he said. “It’s all brown and black plastic with woodgrain only the size of an envelope on the console. And look at that shifter.”

The four-speed automatic’s selector rose from the center console, surrounded by a cleanly marked shift quadrant. It was direct, visible, and almost aggressively functional.

“Floor shift,” someone said.

“In a luxury sedan.”

“Looks like something from a sports car.”

“Or a pickup.”

“Column shifter gives you room for a sixth passenger.”

“And more room to slide across the seat.”

“Exactly. A gentleman should be able to enter from either side.”

Clay looked at the broad center console, the climate-control buttons, the audio system, and the careful arrangement of every switch. Cruise control and automatic climate control were included. Nothing appeared decorative without also serving a purpose. Even the typefaces looked considered.

The four-spoke leather-wrapped steering wheel framed an electroluminescent instrument cluster containing a 160-mile-per-hour speedometer, a tachometer with a 6,200-rpm redline, and gauges for coolant temperature and fuel level.

The senior vice president sat behind the wheel and squinted.

“One hundred and sixty miles an hour?”

“Optimistic.”

“Ridiculous.”

“Nobody needs to go one hundred and sixty miles an hour.”

Clay spoke before he could stop himself.

“Maybe they want the customer to think the car could.”

The men looked at him.

Clay added, “Even if he never does.”

The senior vice president considered this for half a second, then dismissed it with a small wave. “A speedometer is not a promise, Mercer. It’s an instrument.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Cadillac buyers value comfort, prestige, and dignity.”

“Yes, sir.”

“They aren’t adolescent boys.”

“No, sir.”

The inspection continued.

They tested the sunroof. It slid back smoothly into the roof with a low electric hum.

“Another leak point,” someone said.

They operated the power windows.

“Slow enough to be safe.”

They examined the automatic climate control.

“Too many buttons.”

They tried the cruise control.

“Everybody has cruise control.”

They studied the anti-lock disc brakes listed on the equipment sheet.

“People don’t understand anti-lock brakes.”

“They’ll think something is wrong when the pedal pulses.”

“That will create warranty complaints.”

The head of service operations nodded grimly. “Definitely warranty complaints.”

The senior vice president pointed to the ignition. “Start it.”

The executive secretary, who had remained near the rear of the group holding the keys, stepped forward and handed them to him. He inserted the key and turned it.

The warning lights illuminated.

The starter engaged briefly.

Then nothing happened.

The senior vice president frowned and turned the key again.

A few men leaned closer.

Clay looked at the tachometer.

The needle rested just below one thousand revolutions per minute.

“It’s running,” he said.

The garage became quiet.

The men listened.

The Lexus idled with so little vibration that the steering wheel appeared motionless. No fan roar, valve clatter, exhaust burble, or accessory-belt whine announced the operation of its engine. The 4.0-liter 1UZ-FE V8 simply waited beneath the hood, producing almost no sound inside the cabin.

The senior vice president placed one hand on the steering wheel, then glanced down at the tachometer.

“Well,” he said, “they probably spent the whole budget on insulation.”

The laughter came quickly, though not as naturally as before.

“Open the hood.”



The group moved to the front of the car.

The hood rose to reveal a clean, orderly engine compartment. The 4.0-liter V8 was factory rated at 250 horsepower and 260 pound-feet of torque, with power routed to the rear wheels through a four-speed automatic transmission. Hoses and wiring had been carefully routed. Major components were easy to identify. The engine wore finished covers where Cadillac engineers expected customers might ordinarily see brackets, fasteners, and the layered evidence of assembly.

The head of powertrain engineering stared into the compartment.

“Looks like they forgot to finish it.”

“They hid everything,” said another.

“Customers like to see an engine.”

“Do they?” Clay asked.

The question escaped quietly, but the garage had become quiet enough for everyone to hear it.

The powertrain executive looked over at him. “What was that?”

Clay kept his voice respectful. “I said, do customers like to see the engine?”

“Of course they do.”

“My father owned a service station.”

“We’re aware you’re from Texas, Mercer.”

“Fort Stockton.”

“Yes. We’re aware of that, too.”

Clay nodded. “Most customers opened their hoods when something was wrong. I’m not sure they cared what the engine looked like as long as they didn’t have to look at it very often.”

The men exchanged glances.

The service executive smiled thinly. “That may be true of economy-car owners.”

“Maybe.”

“Cadillac customers expect sophisticated machinery.”

“Yes, sir.”

“They also expect service.”

Clay thought of his father answering the Gulf station telephone at ten o’clock at night because a local rancher’s new luxury car had quit running forty miles south of town. The rancher had expected service, all right. What he had wanted was transportation.

The hood was lowered.

The group returned to the cabin, where the discussion shifted to price.

“And they’re asking thirty-five thousand dollars for this?” said the finance executive. “They’ll be sitting on dealer lots till the cows come home.”

“Some of them top out at forty-five thousand fully loaded,” the executive secretary said.

Everyone turned toward her.

She checked the dealership material. “Depending on equipment and dealer markup.”

“That’s fifty percent more than a loaded Coupe de Ville.”

“More or less.”

“For this?”

“For a car with painted bumpers?”

“For something the size of a Chevrolet Celebrity?”

The head of marketing laughed. “And the name? It’s just a number. Four hundred. What does that even mean?”

“Engine size, perhaps.”

“Nobody buys an engine size. People buy an automobile.”

He began pacing beside the Lexus, warming to the argument.

“Coupe de Ville. That says something. Fleetwood. That even sounds rich. Four hundred sounds like a car payment on a cheap car.”

“Lexus doesn’t mean anything, either.”

“Made-up word.”

“They claim it suggests luxury.”

“Luxury doesn’t need suggestion. Luxury needs recognition.”

That line pleased everyone, particularly the man who had said it.

The senior vice president turned off the ignition and stepped out. “All right. Let’s put this in perspective. This company has no heritage, no customer base, no dealer network worth discussing, and no understanding of the American luxury buyer. They’ve built a quiet, well-finished mid-sized sedan with no visual identity, priced it above established American luxury cars, and given it a name that sounds like a prescription medication.”

“Could cause drowsiness.”

“Do not operate heavy machinery while driving a Lexus.”

The laughter returned.

Clay looked at the Burgundy Pearl paint, the chrome alloy wheels, the flush glass, the clean body sides, and the cabin that had remained almost silent while the V8 idled. He had spent eleven months learning the rhythm of rooms like this one. An idea entered as a question, was judged by rank, and survived only if it resembled something already approved.

He tried to remain silent.

He lasted another twenty seconds.

“What if they aren’t trying to build a Cadillac?”

The laughter faded.

The senior vice president turned. “Excuse me?”

Clay shifted the legal pad beneath his arm. “What if their idea of luxury is different from ours?”

The head of marketing smiled without warmth. “Luxury is not a matter of opinion.”

Clay looked at the Lexus. “It might be to the customer.”

A few men straightened.

He continued carefully. “Maybe they think people are getting tired of cars that look old before the final payment. Maybe some buyers want restrained design instead of decoration. Maybe they want a car that fits in a garage, gets decent mileage, starts every morning, doesn’t rattle, and doesn’t have to go back to the dealer three times for the same repair.”

The service executive folded his arms.

Clay could feel the floor dropping away beneath him, but the words had already started and showed no inclination to return.



“The doors fit. The paint is nearly flawless. The engine makes two hundred fifty horsepower and you can barely hear it running. The controls all feel the same. The seats are supportive. The car has anti-lock brakes, rear-wheel drive, automatic climate control, a sunroof, and enough room inside without being eighteen feet long. Maybe the absence of whitewalls and opera windows isn’t an oversight. Maybe it’s the point.”

Nobody spoke.

Clay looked around the group.

“My father used to say customers never came into his station asking for more chrome. They came in asking why their car wouldn’t start.”

The head of dealer relations cleared his throat. “Your father sold gasoline.”

“Yes, sir.”

“He did not define the American luxury market.”

“No, sir.”

“We do.”

That sentence floated beneath the fluorescent lights, complete and unquestioned.

The senior vice president closed his notebook. “The Japanese have been trying to understand American consumers for thirty years. They build competent small cars. I’ll grant them that. But luxury is emotional. It’s aspirational. It requires presence.”

He gestured toward the Lexus.

“This has no presence.”

The others nodded.

Clay said nothing more.

The group began walking toward the elevator, their inspection concluded and their original assumptions safely restored. The executive secretary remained behind long enough to collect the keys and dealership papers, then followed them.

As they crossed the garage, the men resumed discussing the next generation of Cadillac products. There was talk of added body cladding, revised grille textures, special-edition badging, improved velour, and whether a padded formal roof could be made to look less padded without reducing the dealer markup.

The elevator doors opened.

The executives stepped inside.

Clay entered last.

Before turning around, he looked back at the Lexus.

Under the fluorescent lights, the Burgundy Pearl sedan looked calm, almost indifferent. Its ivory interior glowed softly through the glass. It did not appear eager to prove anything. It did not seem to know it had just been rejected by some of the most experienced luxury-car executives in the world.

One of the men followed Clay’s gaze.

“You really think they’ll sell many of those?”

Clay considered the question.

“Yes, sir.”

“How many?”

“I don’t know.”

The head of marketing smiled. “Then it isn’t much of a forecast.”

“No, sir.”

The elevator doors began to close.

Clay kept watching the Lexus through the narrowing gap.

“I just don’t think they’re trying to build a better Cadillac.”

The doors paused as one executive held them with his hand.

“What are they trying to build?”

Clay looked at the older men around him, at the expensive suits, the silver hair, and the certainty earned through decades of competing primarily with themselves.

“A car people won’t eventually want to replace with a Cadillac.”

For a moment, nobody said anything.

Then the dealer-relations executive chuckled.

“Son, people aspire to Cadillacs.”

The others nodded.

The elevator doors closed.

The Lexus remained alone in the garage, its engine cooling quietly beneath the hood, its painted bumpers reflecting the ceiling lights, its modest grille wearing no ornament at all.

Within a few years, its lack of whitewalls would not seem strange.

Its painted bumpers would become ordinary.

Its restrained shape would influence nearly every luxury sedan that followed.

Its reputation for durability, silence, service, and build quality would become the standard by which far older names were judged.

Cadillac would eventually abandon the opera windows, the wire wheel covers, the fake convertible roofs, the pillow-top velour, the stand-up hood ornaments, the acres of chrome, and nearly every other feature the men in the garage had insisted American luxury buyers could never live without.

But that morning in September of 1990, the leadership team returned to the boardroom confident that the new threat from Japan had been inspected, understood, and dismissed.

They had examined every inch of the Lexus with a fine-tooth comb.

They had noticed everything it lacked.

They had noticed almost nothing it possessed.

Funny thing about revolutions.

They rarely arrive with a marching band, a banner, or a twelve-page marketing plan.

Sometimes they slip quietly into the executive garage wearing Burgundy Pearl paint, ivory leather, and a name nobody understands.

Sometimes they idle so smoothly that the people standing beside them cannot even tell they have started.

And sometimes, while the experts are upstairs deciding how much gold badging to add to next year’s model, the future is sitting downstairs…

already in gear.



4 responses to “SHIFTS & GIGGLES”

  1. But, WHY”
    Why has America changed? What happened?

    Only two seats in the front. Kids tied down and stuffed in cages in the back seat.

    In the stock market advice is a company called Elliott Wave Theory. They make a lot of decisions about stocks pertaining to the “mood” in America. Are dress lengths way up, or down, etc.

    Modern America is really strange now. There is no word, “NO”” being used. Everything is ok. Hair length is ok. Long, short, no hair, purple, green, etc.

    Go anywhere in America – how are people dressed. Men: baseball cap, 75# overweight, cargo shorts, faded shirt. WHAT’S UP! Does anyone care!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Man I want to comment on this so bad. But, I’ve got to go – be back later!

    This just shows one of the ways that America has CHANGED!!!

  3. I remember when these hit the market. I was working at a German-owned company in CT and all of the Germans there took notice of the LS400 as they were all gearheads. The first obvious comparison was to the top-of-the-line Benzs. Half the price, better gas mileage, more comfortable, no oil burning (back then, German cars got like 700 miles to a quart of oil), not flashy so as to not attract too much attention (the spouting whale gets harpooned), and it could do autobahn speeds for long stretches.

    They all conceded that, while in the US, this was likely their choice for their next purchase (two of these for the price of one big Benz).

    In my opinion, this car is still impressive today, as much for what it was as for what it still is.

    [Fun fact: I was driving a 1970 BMW E3 2800 back in those days. Visiting Germans always wanted to check out my car.]

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